


Scars

by HRHThePrincesss



Category: Papa Roach, The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-09
Updated: 2015-10-29
Packaged: 2018-04-19 20:47:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 29
Words: 40,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4760528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HRHThePrincesss/pseuds/HRHThePrincesss
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rick's younger sister, Devin, comes in search of family as the dead begin to rise. When she finds them, nothing is quite what it seems. Just as Shane'd gotten comfortable, his control is compromised by Rick's return. Can Shane help her find stability in a world of constant change and almost certain death? Can Devin fill the void in him and mend his broken heart?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_...I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut, my weakness is that I care too much_ _..._

* * *

Devin Grimes had been walking for days. She'd tried a few abandoned cars along the way, but she couldn't drive anything for more than a dozen or so miles before coming to a place in the road that was blocked up by a traffic jam of dead cars. Her backpack and tote felt heavy and she felt awful. Unwashed, sunburned and alone. As she drew closer to Atlanta, she'd begun keeping away from the roads, walking though the trees when she ran into the strings with the cans on them. She jumped back, frightened and irritated until she realized it was a crude warning system. She found her way around them and continued forward, seeing the cars and camper up ahead.

* * *

Everyone at camp heard the warning cans. Shane, Andrea, and Glenn had gone into Atlanta to find supplies. Daryl drew his crossbow, Dale holding his gun out in front of him, both men aimed at where they perceived the noise. Lori stood off to the side, watching the treeline intensely.

"Someone out there?" Daryl called into the woods. Devin stepped out of the line of the trees. She saw the crossbow and gun pointed at her and froze, holding her hands up. Lori's jaw dropped.

"Devin?" she asked, almost to herself. She saw Lori and she immediately felt relieved. Lori ran to the younger woman, throwing her arms around her, followed closely by Carl.

"Aunt Devin!" the little boy cried. Devin hugged both of them, tears of relief flooding her eyes.

"Is Rick here? Is he with you?" Devin asked. Lori pulled back, looking fearfully at her. "I mean, I knew about the shooting, but, isn't he-?" Lori shook her head.

"I'm so sorry, Devin," she said. "He didn't make it." Devin look at her, confused.

"That, that can't be right, Lori," she said. "I stopped at your house first. I thought you'd all be there. There was a man, Morgan, he said Rick came home and that he was coming to find you all."

"You're mistaken. Shane went to the hospital right before they evacuated and, honey, I'm sorry, but Rick had already passed."

"But," Devin looked shocked, heartbroken. "Why would Morgan tell me that?" Lori led her over to a couple of folding chairs, helping her to sit, taking her bags and sitting them beside her. Tears welled in Devin's eyes. Lori watched Carl, holding onto Devin's hand.

"It's alright, Aunt Devin," he told her calmly. "Dad's an angel now, he helps keep us safe." It broke Lori's heart. Both Carl and Devin had Rick's eyes, those bright Grimes blues. They looked at each other and Devin pulled the boy into an embrace. Lori watched as the younger woman fought the urge to sob, trying to process without breaking down entirely in front of Lori and her son.

"I know, Carl, I'm just shocked," she said calmly. "I'm sorry about your daddy. I'm so sorry." Her voice broke at the end, but she managed to hold it together. She released the boy. "I'm just glad you and your momma are safe." Carl nodded.

"Go on, Carl, go play. I want to talk to Aunt Devin alone," Lori said. Carl stopped to side-hug Lori. "Not out of my sight." And the little boy went to go play. Lori sat down next to Devin.

"I'm so sorry, Lori," the younger woman said. "I know I wasn't there when he was in the hospital. I got down here as soon as I could."

"I'm sorry you had to find out like this," Lori said. Devin nodded.

"Where's Shane?" Devin asked.

"He and a couple others went into Atlanta for supplies," Lori said.

"I'm really glad you guys are ok," Devin said, looking at Lori with tearful eyes, trying desperately to remain positive. "I'm so glad I found you and Carl." She paused. "I'm sorry, I just need a minute," Devin sobbed.

Dale and Daryl approached the two women.

"Is everything alright?" Dale asked softly. Devin wiped her eyes, trying to form some semblance of composure.

"Dale, Daryl, this is my husband's sister, Devin," Lori said. "Devin, this is Dale. And this is Daryl." Devin shook both of their hands.

"N-Nice to meet you both," she said, her voice ragged with her tears.

"She didn't know Rick had passed," Lori said softly. Dale knelt in front of Devin.

"I'm so sorry for your loss, Devin," he said. "It sounds like your brother was a good man."

"Thank you," she managed. "I'll pull it together, sorry."

"Don't be sorry," Dale said. "We've all been where you are."

* * *

Shane, Andrea and Glenn arrived back at the camp a few hours later.

"New girl?" Glenn asked Lori, observing Devin sitting by one of the firepits. Shane turned and looked at her.

"Devin," Lori called out to her.

"Devin?" Shane asked, looking at her.

"Devin, this is Glenn and Andrea," Lori introduced them. "Devin is Rick's sister." Devin shook hands with them both. Shane came over to them. "You remember Shane."

"I'll be damned," he said. "Devin Grimes, you find your way here all by yourself?"

"No, one of Rick and Lori's neighbors told me, um," she faltered. Lori said she was mistaken, that Rick wasn't alive, hadn't even made it out of the hospital. She was beginning to think that she'd made the parts about Rick up.  _I wanted so much for him to be here_ , she thought.  _I just imagined it. I wanted it so much that I imagined it._  "He told me that everyone headed for Atlanta, that it was supposed to be safer. I just happened by here." He'd noted her paused, saw her searching for her words. He came over and hugged her.

"Glad you did, kiddo," he said. She hugged back briefly, then they both let go.

"Me too," she said.


	2. Chapter 2

_..my scars remind me that the past is real, I tear my heart open just to feel..._

* * *

A few days passed and Devin began to find her place with the group. She didn't have much in domestic skills like the other women in the group. But she and Rick both learned to shoot just about anything during their adolescence, from guns to bows to crossbows, though she hadn't used that skill much of late. And the need to use a gun wasn't immediate, with all of the warning cans and with Dale watching over the surrounding area.

She was sitting in a chair next to the police radio Shane had pulled out of one of the cruisers before he and Lori left for Atlanta with Carl. She was just about to go down to the quarry to try and help with the laundry when the radio began buzzing. She jumped, startled.

And then, Rick's voice came over the radio. The sound was heavy with static, but she clearly heard her brother's voice. She picked up the hand-held piece.

"Rick? Rick?" she said into the radio. Dale, Andrea and Amy had begun to approach her when she began saying his name. "Rick? Is that you, can you hear me?"

"Shane!" Dale called. "We're getting something over the scanner." Shane came over, taking the hand-held piece from her.

"It was Rick, it was Rick," she said. Shane looked up at her. "I swear, I swear it was."

Though thrown off a bit by her statement, Shane tried to answer whoever was on the other end. Eventually, the static ceased, no other voices heard. Lori came over to them.

"No, no no no, I heard him, it was Rick," she said. Lori put her arms around Devin, pulling her back. "I heard him, Lori, I heard him. I swear."

"You're grieving, Devin, you're confused," Lori said. The younger woman dissolved into sobs as Lori lead her away to one of the tents.

* * *

Shane and Lori spoke a while later after Lori managed to calm Devin down.

"She ok?" he asked.

"She's grieving," Lori said. "She thought he was still alive when she got here. She saw me and Carl and thought he was here with us. I feel so bad, she looks so lost."

"She'll be ok," he said. "She had these kinds of episodes when we were kids."

"Yeah, but Rick knew how to get through to her," Lori said. "He just had a way with her and," Lori faltered, tears rimming her eyes. "I know that's why she came looking for us. She's having trouble processing this world." Shane pulled Lori into his arms.

"She'll adapt," he said. "We all are having trouble getting our heads around this thing. But she found us." Lori nodded.

"You're right," she said, wiping her eyes.

"'sides, she wasn't away doing nothing. Rick used to talk about how smart she was, how she retained information. Having her in the group could prove be a really good thing," Shane said.

* * *

Devin sat at a small folding card table beside Dale's camper. On the table in front of her were the handguns they had that weren't being carried on anyone's person. She was cleaning them, one by one, meticulously taking each firearm completely apart and thoroughly cleaning them with Shane's cleaning kit. At first, Shane hesitated, only trusting himself to do it right. But he sat across from her doing some at first and realized, watching her, that she seemed to find comfort in the task. She was thorough in her cleaning and put the pieces back into place confidently, so he backed off of the task and let her take over.

She was putting one of the revolvers back together when Merle came over and sat down across from her. She looked up at him, then back down at what she was doing.

"So you're this Rick's sister?" he asked. She nodded. Merle made her nervous, the vibes coming off of him at once hopeless and chaotic. "Ain't you got a name?"

"Devin," she said, looking up at him again briefly, before she refocused on her work again.

"Devin? Ain't that a man's name?" he asked. She shrugged. Just go away, she thought, trying not to project how uncomfortable she was. "Soft, pretty girl like you shouldn't have such a hard name." She stopped herself just before she began chewing her lip. Please go away. She looked up at him again, his eyes sweeping over her in such a way that he didn't seem to realize that she was looking at him.

"I'm busy," she said. She knew how stupid it sounded. She wished she had the nerve to tell him to fuck off, to leave her alone, but she couldn't find the right words or the courage.

"Am I bothering you, Devin?" he asked, emphasizing her name. Just go away, just go away, just go away.

Shane was chopping wood when he noticed Devin wasn't sitting alone anymore. Merle sat across from her. And all Shane had to do was look at her, seeing the same old body language that he remembered from childhood. If one of us was teasin' her, she'd chew on her lip, start bouncing her foot, keeping her eyes down, he thought. He still cringed at the times he'd teased her before Rick set him straight. High intelligence, high-functioning, somewhere on this or that spectrum of understanding and behavior, doesn't quite operate like us. He remembered how protective of her Rick got and how by proxy, he too kept an eye on her and people around her. She was a smart girl, and on most accounts, she was normal. But when she got nervous or anxious about something, even something she couldn't quite explain, all of those little ticks started to appear.

Shane put the axe down and approached them.

"How's that gun comin'?" Shane asked. She looked at him, then the revolver. "'s one of my old ones and it's a bitch to get back together." He eyed Merle.

"You gotta problem, officer?" Merle asked.

"Only if you're bothering my best friend's baby sister," Shane said.

"Ain't botherin' her. Just keepin' her comp'ny," Merle said, turning to wink at her. Shane saw her flinch away from him, her hands, dirty from the guns, falling into her lap, fidgeting.

"Go on," Shane said. "Leave her alone."

"The only pretty available girl in camp and you're makin' me leave her alone?" Merle said.

"I'm sayin' let it go and leave her alone," Shane said. "I ain't gonna ask again." Merle looked over at Devin.

"Sorry, darlin', your jailer here says I gotta buzz off," he said. She lifted her hands out of her lap and pointed the reassembled firearm at her. He flinched away.

"He isn't my jailer," she said. Merle backed away, cursing and muttering as he stormed off. Devin lowered the gun back to the table. Shane laughed.

"Maybe you don't need me looking out, huh?" Shane said. She looked up at him and smiled. Then went back to her task.


	3. Chapter 3

_...drunk and I'm feeling down, and I just wanna be alone..._

* * *

Shane and Lori both knew Devin had seen them kissing in Lori and Carl's tent. They'd only suspected when someone walked by the tent, then took off just as they'd settled into each other's arms.

Devin sat down by the quarry, her feet in the water, but the rest of her dry and clothed. She looked down at the clear water, watched it move ever so slightly. She sat, her arms around her legs, trying to process what she'd seen.  _I guess I suspected_ , she thought.  _But, I didn't want to see it. At least not yet._  She knew that her grief was fresh because she'd only just found out about Rick's death.  _Two normal, pretty people, of course they were going to gravitate to each other._  She chewed her lip.  _It just seems so soon._  Her heart ached for her brother.

"Dev?" She tensed. She hadn't realized that she'd closed her eyes, or that she was slightly rocking as she hugged her legs. She squinted up at Shane.

* * *

"She saw us," Lori said.

"It was going to happen eventually," Shane said.

"She's going to hate me," she said. "She only just found out, Shane. She didn't even know he was dead until she showed up here."

"Look, she's down there processing it," he said. "She's not lashing out or throwing a fit because that's not what she does. She has to sit and process it before she can accept it. I've seen her do it a hundred times. Rick always used to say, let her be, let her go figure it out and she'll come around."

"You have to talk to her," Lori said.

"Me? You're a girl, can't you talk to her? Woman to woman?" Shane asked.

"She looks to you more. She associates you more with Rick," she said.

"I highly doubt that," he said.

"Please, Shane. She likes me, but she listens to you. You and Rick watched over her, she trusts you. I'm just the girl that married her brother," she said. Shane sighed.

"Fine, I'll talk to her," he said. "You watch, this'll be the time she isn't completely rational."

* * *

"Can I talk to you?" he asked. Devin nodded. He sat down beside her. "We know you saw us a little bit ago." She rested her chin against her knees. "We don't want to upset you, Devin." Though still facing the water, she frowned.

"I'm not upset," she said. He remained quiet, just sitting there, trying to get a feel for her reaction. He watched her purse her lips, watched tears well in her eyes.

"Do you hate me?" he asked. She shook her head, still unable to meet his eyes.

"I just miss him," she whispered, trying not to sob. He could hear her fighting her emotions, could see her digging her nails into the sides of her knees. He reached over to put his arm around her.

"I know you do," he said. "I miss him too. All the time." She remained rigid, not moving to hug him, nor turning her head to rest on his shoulder. "It's okay to be upset because you miss him, darlin'."

"It doesn't change it," she said.

"I know," he said. "You might feel better if you let it out, though." She chewed her lip.

"I can't," she said. She pulled away from him.  _You remind me too much of him and at the same time, not near enough_ , she thought. "I'm okay. I'm not upset." He let go of her, nodding. Sometimes, Shane wished like hell he could console her like he could a normal person. Sometimes her tears frustrated him so much because he couldn't fix them by getting her to talk or cry or let him hold her. Devin had to do it her way.

* * *

Glenn took a few people into town to grab a few things. They'd run into a few problems and returned much later than expected.

Devin stood next to Carl, her arm around the little boy. Seeing Amy come home to Andrea, seeing the families reunite after the long and stressful run, it always hurt Carl. Lori knelt in front of Carl, holding the little boy's hands in her own.

"It's ok, baby," Lori said. "I know it hurts when it's not him that comes back, but we have to be strong."

"I just miss him," Carl sobbed. Devin held him to her side, trying to find her own comfort in Lori's words.

"Hey new guy, come say hello," Glenn called out. A man stepped out of the large work van, walking slowly toward the group. Devin looked up first, her mind not quite understanding what she was seeing. And then Lori and Carl turned to look.

* * *

Shane watched as Rick walked into the camp, watched as Lori and Carl ran to him, watched as Devin stood back, as if trying to decide whether he was real or not.

Rick held Lori and Carl fiercely as Devin approached slowly. Rick looked up, the movement catching his eye.

"Devin?" he said. Lori turned, not letting go of him.

"She showed up a few days ago, said she ran into Morgan," Lori said. Rick reached out to her and she ran the rest of the way, throwing her arms around him, dissolving into tears.

Shane watched as Rick clung to his family, watched as what he'd just started to think of as his slip through his hands.

* * *

Devin sat beside Carl, next to Rick and Lori. When Lori mentioned Shane finding them and leading them out of Atlanta, Devin chanced a look at Shane. Their eyes met for a brief moment before she looked away. She couldn't get the image of Lori and Shane in the tent out of her head, now that Rick was around. Did he lie?, she wondered.

"-so glad Morgan pointed Devin in the right direction," Rick said, snapping her out of her thoughts.

"Me too," she said, looking over at her family.

"You alright, Dev?" Rick asked. She caught Lori's eye beyond Rick, could feel Shane's gaze boring into her.

"Yeah, you know, I'm just tired," she said, standing up. "I think I'm gonna go lay down." Rick stood up with her, hugging her. She held him back, feeling that, no matter how awkward or tense the underlying situation was, she still had her brother. She'd still found the one person who represented stability in her life and it made her breathe easier.

Shane watched her go. What if she says something to him?, he thought.

"I'm gonna go make sure she's ok," Shane said, getting up to go after her.

* * *

Devin sat in the tent on her sleeping bag. It was technically Shane's tent, but he'd been sleeping elsewhere.

The tension from sitting there, knowing what she knew, made her feel nauseous and she was trying to settle herself, taking deep, measured breaths.  _So he and Lori were, you know, big deal. The world ended and, you know, Shane's a handsome guy and I mean-_

The tent zipper opened and Shane stepped inside.

"Dev?" She jumped, snapped out of her thoughts. "Almost forgot you'd been sleeping in here."

"I can go," she said, moving to get up.

"No," he said. "I actually wanted to talk to you."

"About what?" she asked, feigning ignorance. Her eyes met his and he searched hers. She quickly looked away.

"I think you know what," he said. She shook her head.

"I know you saw us, Devin," he said. She looked up at him, her heart pounding.

"Let's just pretend like I didn't," she said, barely audibly.

"See, that'd be fine, but it reads all over you loud and clear when something's bothering you."

"I can't help it" she said. He stood there, not knowing quite what to say. The way her mind worked, he knew she struggled with some things. He couldn't be cruel or hold it against her. But his drive for self-preservation persisted. "You said he was dead. Why? Why would say that if it wasn't true?" He knelt down next to her.

"Look, I went to the hospital," he said, his voice softer than normal. "They were evacuating and everyone was in a panic. They were shooting walkers in the halls, Devin." Her eyes welled, hearing the anguish and remorse in his voice. "The power cut out and, I tried, I tried to listen for a heartbeat. I didn't hear one, Devin." He looked at her, trying to read her face. She chewed her bottom lip, fighting tears he could already see. "Devin, please don't tell Rick. About me 'n Lori, please."

"I would never do something so cruel," she said, her voice trembling. She looked down, blinking tears out of her eyes, wiping them with the edge of her sleeve. He made a move to hug her, to try and console her. But she backed away, looking him in the eyes, hers so full of a strong emotion that he couldn't quite pinpoint.

"I never intended for this," he said. "You know me. You gotta believe that." He didn't say anymore, not knowing what to say to her to make it right. She turned, putting her books in her backpack. "No, there ain't nowhere else to sleep. Just stay. I promise I won't bother you."


	4. Chapter 4

_...I'm pissed cause you came around, why don't you just go home..._

* * *

Devin was standing by their tent when Shane stalked up. He was wet from the quarry. She caught his eye and saw the same lost, enraged look on his face that he always wore after fights. How many times have I seen Rick walk him away from a fist fight looking pretty much like that?, she wondered. And then she saw his hands.

"Shane?" she said. He disappeared into their tent.

* * *

Devin came into the tent a few moments later. Being alone with him still made her uneasy, but she needed to talk to him. She had a bottle of water under her arm, a washcloth and some cloth bandaging in her hand. She turned once inside and zipped the door shut.

"You here to yell at me, too?" he asked.

She came to him, sitting on the air mattress next to him. Shane watched her wet the washcloth, then reached for his hand.

"You ain't gotta do that," he said. But she didn't listen. She gently cleaned the excess blood from his knuckles, her much smaller, much softer hands working carefully around his wounds. She went to bandage them after they were clean, when he pulled away. "It's fine," he said. She looked up at him and saw the unsettled look in his eyes. She was seeing it more and more lately, his eyes nearly drained of the warmth they usually held.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"I can't," he said, leaning his elbows on his knees, resting his head in his hands.

"Help me understand," she said.

"I loved her, Devin, I-" he stopped, huffing at his own emotion. She watched the tears well in his eyes, watched him fight them vehemently. She nodded. Romantic love wasn't something she had personal experience with, but she had watched it move others and had some understanding of its power. "I'd have done anything for her and Carl, anything," he said. He wiped his eyes with one hand, trying to be discreet about the tears. "I didn't mean to leave Rick. I didn't. You have to believe me. He was in a coma and he was hooked up to a bunch of machines and there was no time and," he trailed off, overcome. Taking a cue from how most people liked to be consoled, she put her arm around his shoulders. "She told me to leave her and Carl alone," he said. "She told me that and then I saw Ed hit Carol and I just snapped."

"I don't think I've seen your scabbed up knuckles since I was a kid," she said. He laughed once, turning his hands over so they could both see his freshly battered knuckles.

"Guess I haven't changed much," he said, frowning as he flexed his hands and fingers.

"Ed deserved it, I'm sure," she said.

"'s not why I did it," he said.

"I know," she said. He looked over at her briefly. Sometimes, he felt like they were worlds apart. But then she'd look at him, after he'd expressed something about himself he wasn't proud of. And she just got it, without being frustrated with him or judging him.

"Ain't hard to figure out a simple asshole like me, is it?" he asked.

"I've known you my whole life," she said. "You're not a bad guy. But you do need to snap out of this thing with Lori. Just back off, let her cool off. Keep your distance." She got up. "And if you feel like you're about to snap, come talk to me."

"You gonna be my therapist?" he asked.

"I'm gonna try to be peacekeeper," she said. "Although, if you catch Ed hitting Carol or Sophia, go ahead." He watched her leave the tent, feeling like he could breathe for the first time in days.

* * *

Devin helped load their things into Shane's Jeep. Lori and Rick, in their own ways, couldn't help but notice how they'd paired off. Not in a romantic way, just how they were around each other, sleeping in the same tent, working together.

"Kinda cute, isn't it?" Lori asked, noting Rick watching them.

"I don't think anything's actually going on there, at least not at the moment," Rick said. "I think she sees him more as a brother."

"He definitely kept watch over her while you were gone," Lori said. "And she gravitates to him. Maybe she has feelings for him, in her way."

"I've never even known her to have crushes," Rick said.

"It's sweet nonetheless," she said.

* * *

Devin climbed into the passenger seat of Shane's black Wrangler.

"You got everything?" he asked. She nodded, opening a book in her lap. "What're you reading?"

"Stephen King," she said.

"Ain't the world creepy enough for you?" he asked.

"It's called the Stand," she said. "It's about this flu that breaks out and kills all but 3% of the population."

"Zombies?" he asked.

"Nope," she said. "The sick just die. No reanimation."

"'s a comforting thought," he said, shifting the Jeep into gear, bringing up the rear of the caravan. "I never got to thank you for the other day. I think I needed to talk to someone."

"I know," she said without looking up.

"Just means a lot, you know," he said. "You keeping my secret."

"I know you think I'm weird," she said.

"I didn't mean nothin' by that," he said.

"It's ok. I'm not completely normal," she said. "But I am a genius."

"Genius?" he asked incredulously. She placed a finger between the pages where she'd stopped reading.

"My IQ is 160," she said.

"What's normal?" he asked.

"100, give or take," she said.

"Damn," he said.

"Why do you think they shipped me off to college so fast?" she asked.

"Fair enough," he said.


	5. Chapter 5

_...'cause you channeled all your pain, and I can't help you fix yourself..._

* * *

After the sadness of leaving Jim behind, Shane and Devin climbed back into Shane's Jeep. He watched her buckle herself in, her expression as calm and reserved as ever.

"You alright, Dev?" he asked. She nodded. He started the Jeep and fell in behind the caravan once again.

"We should have put him down," she said. He looked over at her. As a police officer, Shane felt that he was pretty good at reading people. But Devin had never been easy to read. It was pretty obvious when something was bothering her, but as far as reading particular emotions and anticipating her reactions, he was clueless.

"You think so?" he asked. She nodded.

"He's going to end up like the rest of them," she said. "I wouldn't want that."

"Between you and me," he said. "I feel the same way." She looked over at him and he almost saw a recognizable emotion in her face.  _Worry, shock, sadness_ , he thought. But then she looked away, her gaze settling out ahead of them.

"If you believed that, you would have killed Rick back at the hospital," she said. He fell silent, returning his focus to driving.

"Is that what you think I should have done?" he asked. She looked down at her hands. Her fingers moved anxiously, rubbing the backs of her hands. She seemed to deliberate his question at length before answering.

"No," she said. She glanced over at him, surprised to find him smiling. "What?"

"Nothing," he said, looking out at the road.

"Was that funny? Are you laughing at me?" she asked. No anger or exasperation in her tone. Simply asking.

"No, it's just that, when I think I've figured out how your mind works, you have a knack for completely turning it back around on me," he said.

"I don't know what you mean," she said.

"You're completely logical, up until you talk about family," he said.

"I think that's true of most people," she said.  _And logic returns_ , he thought.

* * *

About an hour later, he looked over and realized she'd fallen asleep. Following the caravan with no other moving traffic on the road wasn't hard work, so his mind had begun to wander.

He studied Devin, really looked at her. She was only a couple of inches shorter than he, and while slim, she was still softer and more curved than Lori. Her long brown hair was pulled back in a relaxed ponytail, which was pulled over her shoulder. While there was a vague resemblance between her and Rick, her face was gentle and feminine. The only blatant resemblance she had with Rick and Carl were her eyes. Bright blue, just like her brother and nephew. Shane tried to remember if she and Rick's parents had those eyes, but couldn't seem to conjure an image of them in his head to be sure.

With Rick back from the dead to take care of Lori and Carl, Shane'd felt completely empty.  _Everyone looks to him now_ , he thought.  _He's the sheriff. I'm just the deputy_. But he'd also noticed Devin hanging back. Rick had been her stability in childhood and adolescence.  _That's why she came looking for him_ , he reasoned. But seeing him with his family, Shane watched her back off and let them be. She stuck by him instead, following his lead. She tried to hide it, but he knew she was beginning to look to him for stability.  _I don't mind_ , he thought. He knew he needed someone to look out for, someone to take his mind off of how much Lori's disgust hurt him.  _We're both on the outside, looking in_ , he thought.  _Both on the sidelines of a family we both care for but that isn't entirely ours._

* * *

Shane walked the hall of the CDC wing where Jenner had put them to stay. He peered into each open door, looking for Devin. He hadn't seen her since Jenner'd shown them the TS-19 simulation. He finally came to the last room in the corridor, the door shut.

Devin sat on one of the couches in the room she chose. She sat there, trying to stop the downward spiral that she was in when someone knocked at the door. She jumped.

"Who is it?" she called. The door opened and she hurriedly wiped her eyes and tried to look normal.

"It's me," Shane said. "Can I come in?" She nodded.

"Sure," she said. He entered the room, noticing her tears.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"N-Nothing, I'm fine," she said. He sat down next to her.

"Look at me, Dev," he said. She did. "You been cryin'?" He asked. She looked away, chewing her bottom lip. He look down at her hands in her lap. "Jesus, you're hands are shaking," he said. Suddenly, she couldn't hold it in. She let her shoulders fall forward, hung her head, her breathing heavy and labored. He knelt down on the floor in front of her. "Honey, what's the matter? What's going on?"

"I'm having an anxiety attack," she said, her voice trembling as she spoke.

"What do I do? Tell me how to help," he said.

"You can't," she said. "I just have to ride it out." He looked her over desperately, wanting to do something, anything to make her feel better. He took her hands into his, holding them still.

"Just breathe, Dev," he said. He took deep breaths as examples, and she followed his lead, breathing as he did. He held her hands still between his. "That's it, that's it. Just breathe." This was one time in her life that she wanted him to put his arms around her, to rock and console her like people did in the movies. She looked up at him, meeting his eyes. "Do you want me to get Rick?" he asked. She shook her head.

"He's drunk," she said. Again, her matter-of-factness caught him by surprise. No judgment, no anger, no frustration in her voice.

"What's happening in there, Dev," he asked. "Talk to me." She rubbed her forehead.

"I'm, I'm scared, Shane," she said. Suddenly, he stood up, helping her to her feet. He pulled her into his arms, half-afraid she might shove him, rejecting his effort to comfort her. But instead, she let him hold her.

"It's okay to be scared," he said. "I'm scared too." She hesitantly put her hands on his back, then wrapped her arms around him as well. She buried her face against his shoulder, and he felt the avalanche of emotion seize her. "Just let it out. I know you hate it, but sometimes you gotta." He rubbed his hands soothingly over her back, rocking her slightly from side to side. She clung to him for a few minutes, and he was patient as he consoled her. And eventually, her tears began to lessen. She pulled back from him, but didn't release him entirely. "You gonna be okay?" he asked, searching her face. She nodded. "You want me to stay with you?" She looked up at him then, her eyes red from crying. She nodded again. "Alright. I'll stay here." She looked away, her lips trembling. But she let him go then.

"Thank you," she said.


	6. Chapter 6

_...you're making me insane, all I can say is..._

* * *

Shane and Devin got in his Jeep. Shane looked back at the CDC building, saw the beginning of the flames.

"Oh my god, get down!" he yelled. She quickly laid over on the seat, her face near the passenger door, and Shane covered her body with his. He heard the explosion, heard her whimper once. He felt the heat from the fire flare against the air, felt it against his back and arms as he held her. When he felt the heat back off, he rose up, looking back over his shoulder. The whole building was engulfed in flames, creating a tall, dark black cloud of smoke above.

Shane turned back. She'd sat up, but she was as far against the passenger door as she could get.

"Are you alright?" he asked. She nodded, her eyes darting back and forth between him and the fire.

"Are you?" she asked. He nodded, looking back at the fire. He heard the passenger door open and looked over, seeing her get out of the Jeep. He got out, coming around the vehicle just in time to see her double over, her breath coming in short, anxious bursts. The others got out of the RV, staring at the fire, at Dale and Andrea behind the sandbag barricade. Rick, Lori and Carl ran to Devin and Shane. Rick looked at her.

"She ok?" he asked Shane. Shane nodded.

"Just shaken up like the rest of us," he said. Carl put his arm over Devin's shoulder.

"It's ok, Aunt Devin, we made it out," Carl said, his voice quivering, but trying to sound brave. Devin turned and looked at the little boy. She knelt, pulling the child into her arms.

"We did," she sobbed, trying desperately to hold it together. Carl held her while she grasped the boy to her. She stood, hugging Lori, then Rick. Rick held his sister and for a moment, Shane saw them as kids. He saw a young Devin, hurt by some kid's ignorant comment, saw a younger Rick, consoling her, feeling the need to absorb all her grief, all her hurt so she wouldn't have to feel it.

* * *

Lori ran to Rick, hysterical. But Shane watched Devin approach, trying to be calm.  _Rick ran to Lori_ , he thought. He put his arms around his wife and consoled her as they walked into the house with their hurt son. He watched her hesitate when Rick turn back and run into the house with Lori. She looked down at the ground, her hands balling into fists.  _Not with anger_ , he thought.  _She's steeling herself. Because no one validates her grief. Carl isn't her son_. His heart broke for her and he began walking to her.

"Come on, Dev," he said, putting his arm around her. She jerked away from him.

"I don't want to cry," she said, her voice trembling. He dropped his arm, but continued to walk beside her. It might have hurt, coming from another woman, but he understood Devin.  _As long as no one validates her emotions, she holds them in check_. His heart ached, but he didn't push her. He walked in behind her, there if she needed him.

* * *

"Devin, Devin has A positive, too," Rick said. Devin entered the room, seeing Lori laying next to Carl. Rick looked distraught, but he reached for his sister. Shane watched her. "If he needs blood, I can give it, but, if we need you, can you-"

"Of course," she said. Shane watched her hold her older brother, watched her reassure him, watched her keep her own emotions down.

* * *

Otis left alone for the respirator and other medical supplies Herschel would need to operate on Carl. Rick and Devin took turns giving blood to Carl as needed.

Shane walked into the room while it was Devin's turn to give blood. Carl was passed out in the bed, hooked to his aunt's blood supply through the needle and tube in her left inner forearm near the inside of her elbow. She and Rick both had begun to take on a sickly pallor, both from giving blood and from the intense stress of Carl's critical condition.

He sat down gently on the edge of the bed, looking at the little boy. Devin watched the muscles in his jaw tick.

"Herschel's doing everything he can," she said softly. Shane turned back to her, looking down at his hands.

"I know," he said. He looked up at her, deciding to focus on something else. "How are you holding up?"

"I'm fine," she said. "The blood loss makes me a little dizzy and tired, but I'm fine."

"That's good, but I guess I meant, stress-wise," he said. Her eyes fell from his. She shrugged with the shoulder that wasn't attached to the tubing.

"Fine," she said. He reached for her hand. He didn't move it, it was the one attached to the needle and tube. He noted how cold it was, realizing the toll giving blood frequently was taking on her. He then held her hand with both of his. "I didn't realize I was cold."

"It's the blood loss," he said. "I know you think you have to be strong for Rick and Lori and Carl, but, you can tell me what's going on in there. You told me, if I thought I was about to snap, to talk to you. You can talk to me, too." She frowned, looking up at him quickly before her eyes darted back down.

"It's not that easy for me," she admitted.

"I know, but if they do come, or if you just need to cry or scream, I'm here," he said. She looked over at Carl and, for the first time, Shane saw the cracks in her strong facade.

"Do you think he's going to pull through?" she whispered. Shane looked over his shoulder at the boy, then back at Devin.

"I think he's got a good chance. Too many people are pulling for it," he said.

Herschel came into the room and Shane stood up, moving out of the older man's way. Devin wiped her eyes quickly. Herschel took the needle out of her arm, fixing the tube. He looked Devin over, checking her pulse and blood pressure.

"You need to wait at least 24-36 hours before we even think of having you give more blood," Herschel told her. She nodded, standing up. She swayed, both men reaching out to steady her.

"I got her, doc, I got her," Shane said, putting his arm around her back. She instinctively put hers around his back. He held her opposite hand in his, walking with her. "Slow, take it easy," he said. She nodded.

"I'm so tired," she said. He walked her out into the living and dining room area. Rick and Lori looked up, Lori's eyes widening.

"Is she ok?" Lori asked.

"'bout like Rick, tapped out," Shane said.


	7. Chapter 7

_...I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut, my weakness is that I care too much..._

* * *

Shane stood, looking out the front bay window at the road. Lori stood next to him.

"I should go see what's keeping him," Shane said.

"No, we need you here," Lori said. "I can take care of Rick, but Devin looks to you."

"And if Carl goes while we're all standing here, waiting around, then what?" he asked. "All three of you would be distraught." He shook his head. "No, I'm gonna go into town, see what's keeping him."

"What about Devin?" Lori asked.

"She's asleep. And she's so out of it from blood loss, she probably won't notice I'm gone," he said. "It's not like she can't take care of herself."

"But you're her stability," she said. "Rick has to take care of me and Carl. You have to see how she's turned to you."

"I'll be right back, hopefully with him and the stuff Herschel needs in tow," he said. "Maybe I won't even get a mile down the road before we meet and I can just turn right back around."

"And what do I tell Devin if something happens to you?" Lori asked.

"Look, nothing is going to happen to me. I'm just going to go and make sure someone comes back with the medical supplies," he said. Lori nodded, embracing him. Shane was surprised to notice that he felt nothing but platonic affection as she held him.

"Just come back," she said.

"As fast as I can," he said. She released him and he left.

* * *

About an hour later, Lori was pacing the living room floor when Devin emerged from the room she'd been sleeping in.

"Hey, how are you feeling?" Lori asked, hoping she was as out of it as Shane thought.

"I'm ok. Still weak," Devin said. Lori looked at her, wondering if she was right about the slowly developing relationship between Devin and Shane. Because of Devin's disorder, things would have to move slower. She didn't follow the same emotional path others did, nor did she entirely understand other's reactions or emotions. But she seemed to care about Shane, to be close to him in her own way. And Shane seemed to care a lot about her as well.

"You look better," Lori said.

"How's Carl?" Devin asked.

"He's hanging in there," Lori said. "I can't thank you enough for helping with the blood." Devin frowned.

"We have the same blood type," Devin said, as if it only made sense that she would help with the blood. "How's Rick?"

"Resting, like you were," Lori said. "Thank god for you both."

"Is Shane resting too?" Devin asked. Lori considered lying, but if he didn't come back, if he wasn't there in the morning when Devin got up for the day...

"I don't want you to panic," Lori began. Devin's eyes snapped up to hers. "He went into town to check on Otis. We're getting worried he might've gotten into some trouble."

"He's gone?" Devin asked, her eyes wide.

"He said he'd be right back, I promise-"

"You can't promise that, you don't know," Devin swayed and Lori came to her, helping her sit on the sofa.

"You have to stay calm. Shane's coming back," Lori said. She watched the younger woman fighting the tears that were already in her eyes, watched her hands clench into fists.

"Why wouldn't he tell me he was leaving?" she whispered.

"Maybe he knew you'd feel this way," Lori said. "He's trying to do right by all of us. He said he knew how hurt you and me and Rick would be if anything happened to Carl." Devin's eyes lifted to Lori's and she could see what she said sink in. "You really care for him, don't you?" Devin blinked, tears rolling down her cheeks.

"Please don't tell him, Lori," she whispered.

"I think he probably knows, honey," Lori said. Devin shook her head. Lori looked her over and realized that Devin loved Shane, really loved him. And then she realized how heartbroken Devin would be if anything happened to him.

"I think I need to lay down," Devin said. Lori helped her back into the bed in the room she'd been sleeping in before.

Lori continued to pace in the living room, only stopping to confirm that she could hear Devin crying.

* * *

A few more tense hours went by, but Shane and Otis returned just as the sun began to rise.

Shane pulled up in the Wrangler behind Otis in the old blue truck. Both men got out of their vehicles carrying supplies. Shane watched Lori walk out the door.

Otis and Shane entered the house, passing the medical supplies off to Herschel and Patricia. Lori and Rick thanked both men before returning to their vigil outside of the room as Herschel and Patricia began operating on Carl.

Devin heard Shane and Otis return. She heard the shuffle of the supplies and then quiet again.  _Go to him_ , she thought.  _You do care for him and he's safe_. She willed herself to get up when a knock came at the door of the bedroom she had been sleeping in. She got up and opened the door.

"Hey," Shane said, leaning against the door frame. "You're looking a lot better." She simultaneously fought the urge to both throw her arms around him and slap him across the face. "Look, I'm sorry I didn't tell you I was going to check on Otis. You were already feeling pretty bad and I didn't want to worry you." She didn't say anything, her eyes holding his. He was just about to turn around and go away, when she suddenly came forward, putting her arms around him. It was awkward at first, but she couldn't tell him what she was feeling - the words wouldn't form. He knew how much strength it'd taken her to show her feelings, even if it was only to hug him. He put his arms around her, pulling her to him tighter. "I'm sorry, Devin. I'm sorry I worried you." He heard her sniffle and it broke something inside him. She pulled back, letting him go. He reluctantly released her.

"I wasn't worried," she said, trying to discreetly wipe her eyes.  _I was scared to death_ , she thought. He laughed a little. He moved away from the door frame, wincing as he did. She frowned, watching him limp as he moved to sit on the edge of the bed. "You're hurt." He shook his head, trying to brush it off.

"Just twisted it," he said. "I'm fine." She sat down next to him.

"Did you and Otis get what Herschel needed?" she asked. He nodded.

"Hope so, at least," he said. "Place was pretty well overrun."

"Leaving like that. It was brave, but it was so stupid." She said.

"I'd say that about sums me up, wouldn't you?" he asked, trying to ease her tension. She didn't smile, didn't look over at him. "I said I was sorry. I was trying to help-"

"What if something had happened to you?" she asked.

"Nothing did," he said. "I'm fine."

"You got hurt," she said, her voice so small. He noticed how much smaller her voice sounded when she was afraid or hurt.

"I just twisted my ankle trying to get away from walkers. Otis was pinned down and I had to distract a lot of them to get them away from him. But I'm fine," he said.

"I don't think you understand. Rick's as weak as I am right now and if Carl doesn't make it-"

"Stop," he said. He grabbed her hands, turning her to him. "Look at me. Carl is going to be fine. Rick is going to get his strength back and we're all going to keep fighting to survive. You understand me?"

"If something had happened to you, it would've weakened the whole group," she said.

"It was a risk I was willing to take," he said. "I didn't go off half-cocked, trying to be a hero. I did that for Rick and Lori and you."

"I know that," she said.  _But in trying to save that part of my heart, you put another part in jeopardy_ , she thought. "I know, and I thank you for it. I just," she stopped, trying to find the right words. "If anything had happened to you, to make you not come back, I, I don't know if-"

Just then, a knock came at the door, startling them both. It was Maggie.

"Carl's stable, he's not quite out of the woods completely, but dad thinks he's gonna be ok," Maggie said. Devin and Shane stood up.

"Can we see him?" Shane asked.

"Briefly, he needs to rest, a lot," she said. "You saved two people tonight. Otis might not have come back and Carl, you know." Shane nodded, uncomfortable with the gratitude of a stranger. Especially when the whole reason he went was so torn about what he'd done.


	8. Chapter 8

_...our scars remind us that the past is real, I tear my heart open just to feel..._

* * *

Shane stood back as he and Devin entered the room Carl was resting in. Devin looked down at the boy, pale, but already looking better. His eyes were closed, but she could feel the absence of tension in the room where there had been so much before.

Shane watched her try to steel herself, sitting on the edge of the bed beside her nephew. He watched her reach over and feel his face with the back of her hand, then take his little hand in hers. Carl opened his eyes and looked up at her.

"How are you feeling?" she asked. Carl nodded, smiling a bit.

"Better," he said. "Mom said you gave me your blood." She nodded.

"Some," she said. He smiled.

"We're like blood brothers now," he said.

"We already were," she said. "We're family."

"You know what I mean," he said. Devin looked down at Carl, the tension that had been in her chest since Carl'd been hurt finally easing.

"I'm just so glad you're ok," she said. Shane was right, my heart would have broken to lose Carl, she thought. My heart would have broken to lose either of them. She leaned down and kissed Carl's forehead, then got up.

"Glad you pulled through, Carl," Shane said. He couldn't sit down like Devin had, couldn't show the boy so much tenderness. His emotions were too close to the surface and Carl had enough people gushing over him.

"Me too," the boy said back.

"You get some rest now," Shane said. Carl nodded.

* * *

A few days later, Lori approached Shane as he sat out at the old folding card table, cleaning one of his handguns. Devin was up in the house with Carl, so she took advantage of the situation.

"Shane, I need to ask you about something," Lori said. Shane looked over at her.

"What's up?" he asked casually.

"I need you to be discreet," she said. He eyed her warily. "It's about Devin." Shane looked back down at the gun he was cleaning.

"What about her?" he asked.

"Is there something going on between you?" she asked him. He frowned.

"Why?" he asked.

"Don't be an asshole," she said, sitting in the chair across from him.

"No," he said.

"Do you have feelings for her?" she asked. He put the pieces of the gun down and leaned back in his chair, looking at her.

"Why are you asking me this?" he countered.

"Can you keep something between you and me?" she asked. He nodded. "She freaked out the other night, when she found out you had left."

"Yeah, I got the feeling that worried her," he said.

"No, no Shane, I don't think it just worried her," Lori said. "She was terrified. She started crying and," she paused. "I think she has feelings for you."

"Why are you telling me this?" he asked.

"She relies on you. And if she has feelings for you, I don't want her to get hurt," she said. He looked up at her.

"You think I'd hurt her?" he asked.

"Do you have feelings for her?" Lori asked, her eyes wide.

"Why do you think I went into town the other night? Rick is like a brother to me and I care about you and Carl, but," he paused, "I fucked up the first time by thinking that Rick was dead and then telling you all. I saw her heart break in her eyes and I saw the way she looked at me when it turned out to not be true. I couldn't bear the thought of watching her heart break again."

"Have you told her?" she asked.

"And how would I do that, Lori?" he countered. "I mean, put her disorder aside and assume that she would even be receptive to my advances, I told her Rick was dead and he wasn't. I've done other things I'm not proud of and she knows about them too," he said, alluding to his brief affair with Lori.

"You didn't see her that night, she was terrified that you wouldn't come back," she said.

"And I did. And she wants about as much to do with me as she ever did," he said.

* * *

"Hey, Devin," Lori ducked into Devin and Shane's tent. "Can I talk to you?" Devin nodded.  _She's going to ask about Shane, about why I freaked out when I realized he went to town_ , Devin thought. "The other night, I know you were pretty out of it from giving blood, but," she eyed the younger woman. "Do you have feelings for Shane?" Devin consciously made herself not wring her hands, trying to appear calm and normal. She shrugged.

"Shane's my friend. He's been very kind to me," she said carefully. "Rick has you and Carl to look after. He tries to hide it, but I know Shane looks after me."

"Of course he does, but you don't really need looking after, Devin. You're a strong, smart woman," Lori said. "You're allowed to have feelings for him, sweetheart. You don't have to bury it, make it out to be this caregiver thing." Devin felt exposed.  _He'll never feel that way about you_ , she thought.  _You're just Rick's sister with a few loose screws. He'd always feel like he was taking advantage._

"I can't have feelings for him," she said. Lori could see her fighting with herself in her head. "He can't ever see me the way he sees other women."

"Why not?" Lori said. Devin looked over at her.

"Lori, you're not stupid. I'm different," she said. "Men don't look at me like that. Especially him."

"Devin, you're a sweet, beautiful girl," she said. "But I'm not asking if you think he has feelings for you. I'm asking if you have feelings for him." Devin looked visibly shaken, but her resolve remained strong.

"I told you, I can't," she said. "I don't want to talk about this anymore."

"Devin, you acted like you were scared that you'd never see him again," Lori said.

"Stop," Devin said. "I don't want to talk about it and I don't want you to tell him or anyone else how I acted. Please, Lori."


	9. Chapter 9

_...I tried to help you once, against my own advice..._

* * *

Andrea could see in Shane's eyes, he was only seeing Devin. It was Devin's hand that'd snaked over into his lap, even though that would be completely out of character for Devin. Still, Andrea could see the glazed over look in his eyes.

Shane didn't actually want to fuck Andrea. He didn't even want for Lori anymore. He wanted Devin. He wanted it to be her hand in his lap, stroking and teasing him. He wanted it to be her that he lifted over his lap, wanted it to be her little ass accidentally bumping the car horn.

Andrea knew it wasn't her Shane was fucking. She didn't care. She needed the release.

Shane gripped her hips, driving himself up into her, again and again. Andrea came, gripping his shoulders. He groaned, his back arching against the car seat, his face contorted into a mask of agony and pleasure.

"D-Devin," he breathed. Andrea looked down at him, his eyes closed, his breath coming in harsh bursts.  _He doesn't even know he said her name_ , she thought. Most women would be offended if a man said another woman's name as he climaxed. Andrea thought it was somehow the sweetest and saddest thing she'd ever heard.

* * *

Shane felt awful. He'd let himself get caught up with Andrea and the whole drive back to Herschel's, he regretted it. Dale thought he knew what'd happened, but Devin really knew. The way she'd looked at him, then Andrea, then him, told him everything. She'd turned, walking back up to the house.

"Devin, wait," he called after her. But she kept walking. He walked after her, catching up to her. So she sped up. "Devin, please." But she didn't stop, didn't even look at him. Instead, she took off into the woods, running away from the farm, away from him.

* * *

 _Of course he wanted her, why wouldn't he?_ , she thought as she ran.  _She's normal and blonde and strong and everything I'm not_. She ran into the woods, dodging trees and fallen branches. She could feel the tears in her eyes, running down her cheeks. She could feel her heart, not the pounding organ inside her, but her emotional heart. That thing she barely understood. She could feel it tearing inside her chest.  _You thought because he was so kind, that he liked you? That he could love you?_  She tripped on an exposed root and fell. She was fine, save for a few scrapes and soon-to-be bruises. But instead of getting up, she leaned back against the tree that's roots had tripped her. She pulled her scraped knees against her chest and buried her face against them.

"It hurts, it hurts it hurts it hurts," she whimpered, rocking herself. She sobbed against her knees.  _No one wants me here_ , she thought.  _I'm just another burden. It was stupid, so stupid to think he cared for me like that_. "Stupid stupid stupid," she whispered. Tears streamed down her face, falling against her knees as she rocked.  _Of course he doesn't love me_ , she thought.  _He doesn't know how. He barely knows how to talk to me._  She dug her nails into her forearms, desperately holding onto herself as she fell apart.

As she sat sobbing, a lone walker approached her. So completely wrapped up in her emotions, she didn't notice until it was almost upon her. She tried to scramble to her feet, but it was reaching for her, groaning and growling.  _Let it have you_ , she thought.  _No, I will not be weak enough to be taken out but one walker_. She managed to get up, but the thing lunged at her and pinned her to the tree behind her. She fought it, flailing and kicking. She managed to turn enough to grab a substantial fallen branch. She swung it at the walker, knocking it away from her. The thing fell on it's side and in her mixed fear and rage, she bludgeoned it to death.

Devin leaned back against the tree, panting, suddenly aware of all her scrapes and bruises. She turned to walk up to the house when a sharp pain on her back made her eyes water. She reached back and found a long, wet scrape across her back. She brought her hand back around and saw that her fingers were covered in blood.  _Was it the tree? Did I do that while I was struggling to get away from the walker? Did the walker do it?_ , she wondered, her stomach dropping.

* * *

Everyone was sitting around the dining room tables finishing dinner when Devin showed up.

"Oh my god, Devin, are you alright?" Lori asked, getting up. Shane looked up, seeing her bruised arms and legs, the scrapes on her knees and shins.

"I'm fine, I just tripped," she said. Lori helped her into a chair. "I'm fine, honestly. Just clumsy."

Andrea looked at Devin, then at Shane. He looked completely guilty and heartsick.  _He really is in love with her_ , she thought. He'd breathed her name, not Andrea's, when he came inside her. And now, seeing the horrified look on his face, looking at how banged up and bruised she was, Andrea was certain.  _He's completely in love with her._

* * *

"If you had feelings for her, why'd you fuck me at all?" Andrea said.

"I don't know, I don't know and I'm sorry," he said. "I never should have done that."

"You're damn right! And now we've hurt her in the process. Did you see her?" she asked him.

"I saw," he said.

"God, you're such a fucking idiot," she said. "That girl is in love with you-"

"She's not in love with me," he said.

"You think because she has some disorder that she's incapable of loving you?" Andrea asked, taken aback.

"She doesn't process emotions like us. She doesn't yell when she's mad. She barely cries when she's sad. She operates completely on logic-"

"She ran into the woods by herself, you think she wasn't out there crying and letting her emotions go-"

"That's the point! She never tells anyone. She holds it all in and doesn't let anyone see it," Shane said. "Even if she did love me, she'd probably never tell me. She'd never let it out, never show it-"

"So sex, this is about your fear that she'll never have sex with you? Is that why you fucked me?" Andrea asked.

"It's about all of it. Love, sex, fighting, crying, all of it is necessary and she," he paused. "She won't show it. Any of it."

"You ever think she was trying to love you in her way?" Andrea asked. "That her sleeping in the same tent with you, riding with you, sticking close to you, that it was her way of trying to love you? Because that's what I saw. A girl - a woman - with a disorder, trying to warm herself up to loving a man. Trying to be affectionate in her way."

"You sound just like Lori," he said, sitting down, rubbing his face with his hands.

"I've seen her fall in line with you, do your goddamn laundry with hers, be strong and brave in front of you when anyone could see she was falling apart. That girl loves you."

"And what am I supposed to do with that?" he asked.

"Shane, it's not just her. The way you were with her while Carl was hurt. The look on your face when she walked in, all banged up," she said. "You're in love with her-"

"I am," he said quietly. "I'm sorry I dragged you into this." Andrea shrugged.

"I wasn't looking for a relationship," she said. He laughed slightly.

"What should I do?" he asked.

"Go to her. Tell her how you feel," Andrea said.

"I don't know how to tell her," he said. "I don't want to scare her off, make her anxious."

"You know her," she said. "You know what gets through to her."


	10. Chapter 10

_...I saw you going down, but you never realized..._

* * *

Devin stood in one of the spare bedrooms in Herschel's house. She was in her denim shorts and tank top. She stood, looking at herself in the full length mirror. Her knees and shins were scratched up, bruises blooming here and there. The palms of her hands were scraped from trying to catch herself as she fell.

Shane stood in the hallway outside of the room she was in. He needed to go to her, but he hesitated.  _Look what she did to herself trying to get away from me before_ , he thought. His chest ached, remembering how she taken off, how she wouldn't even look at him when she came back.

He watched her study the wounds on her legs in the mirror, watched as she looked at the scrapes on her hands. Then she looked at herself in the mirror, looked at her face. She seemed calm at first, but then he watched her hands clench into fists, watched her eyes close. He could hear her breathing, realizing that she was fighting something he couldn't see.  _I'd give anything to know exactly what_ , he thought. And that's when he decided to try to talk to her.

* * *

 _Look at you_ , she'd thought to herself.  _Small, weak, helpless. Lot of good all of the intelligence and education has done. It's your fault he hurt you. You let him. You're the one who decided to have feelings for him. Shane's a good friend, but he isn't ever going to be attracted to you. He isn't ever going to love you-_

"Devin?" She jumped back as the bedroom door opened and Shane came into the room with her. "Can I talk to you?" She wouldn't meet his eyes.

"I'm getting ready to go to sleep," she said.

"I need to talk to you," he said.

"I don't want to talk," she said. Usually by now, she'd lifted her eyes to his, but she still hadn't.

"Devin, please-"

"I said I don't want to talk," she said.

"Devin, look at me," he said. But she didn't lift her gaze.

"I can't," she said. She chewed the inside of her lip, her eyes welling with tears.

"You're my best friend," he said. "I care about you. I never meant to hurt you-"

"Just leave me alone." He felt lost. Any other woman would have fought with him, would have raised her voice and been angry. Not Devin. Not outwardly. Her tone remained the same. Her eyes never left the floor. He turned, walking out of the room, out of the house.

* * *

The next afternoon, Devin was completely overcome by the anxiety about the scrape on her back. Having watched Jim and a few others suffer from the affects of walker attacks, she thought that by now, she would be suffering from the fever. She wasn't, but it didn't matter. She was still worried to death about it.  _I can't ask Rick to check, he'd wonder why I went off into the woods alone. I can't ask Lori either._  She knew Shane would look, and that he would already know why she'd run off alone into the woods. She knew that he would feel guilty and probably wouldn't give her a hard time about it. As much as she didn't want to talk to him, she needed to know if the scrape was infected or not.

"Shane?" She stood in the doorway of the bathroom. He'd just come in from shooting practice. Taken aback by her approaching him, he stopped. "Can you come in here for a minute?"

"Thought you wanted me to leave you alone," he said. She shifted uncomfortably. "Fine, come on." He followed her into the bathroom.

"I need you to look at my back," she said. He frowned at her.

"Why?" he asked.

"When I ran into the woods, I ran into a walker," she said. His eyes widened. "I think I just scraped my back on a tree trying to get away from it, but, I'm not sure."

"Why didn't you tell anyone?" he asked.  _She was alone, she was alone out in the woods and she was attacked by a walker_ , he thought. He felt his heart pounding.  _She could have not come back. She could have been killed and turned and it would have been all my fault_ , he thought.

"I was upset," she said.

"Why'd you wait so long to tell someone?" he asked.

"Because I was scared," she said. "Please, just look at it." He sighed, sitting down on the closed toilet.

"Well turn around, Dev," Shane said. She obeyed, turning, unbuttoning her blue flannel top. She pulled her hair over one shoulder and let the shirt down over her shoulders and back

Shane looked at her exposed back, looked at the scraped area across her lower back. He studied the area carefully, touching her back near the healing scrapes. No bites, no scratches. He then found himself captivated by her bare skin, by their closeness and by the fact that they were alone.

"Am I bit?" She asked. Acting purely on impulse, Shane leaned in.

"No," he said. Devin gasped as she felt his breath on her back, sensing how close he was. And then she felt his mouth to her, just under her left shoulder blade. She could feel his lips, his hot breath, as he pressed little kisses to her soft, smooth skin. One of his hands slid to her side complacently while the other gently held her upper arm.

Shane felt her tense beneath his hands and mouth, but noted that she didn't move away, didn't even try to turn. He'd expected her to throw an elbow back at him, to scramble away, her shirt clenched up around her, never to reveal another inch of exposed skin in his presence that she didn't have to. Instead, she remained there, in his grasp, her breathing uneven but soft. He trailed kisses across her flesh aimlessly, only wanting to feel her, to taste her. He felt her back arch against him. He stood up, raining kisses across her exposed shoulder, up the side of her neck.

Devin felt paralyzed. She wanted exactly what he was doing to her. His mouth felt good on her, his hands. But she was paralyzed by her mind. She wanted to be able to reciprocate, to be normal.  _I can't even tell him how I feel, how can I do this?_ , she asked herself.

She turned, pulling her shirt up over her shoulders, meaning to stop him. But instead, he leaned in and touched his mouth to hers. She flinched at the sudden intimate contact. He looked down at her, measuring the look in her eyes. He kissed her again, gently, tentatively. His arms slipped around her.

"Kiss me back," he whispered. Suddenly, she felt like she couldn't breathe, like she was cornered.  _He's not hurting me_ , she thought.  _Don't panic, don't panic, don't panic_. She pressed her lips against his gently.  _I have no idea what I'm doing_. "'s it," he murmured. "Put your arms around me, sweetheart." She lifted her arms, willing herself to put them around his neck.  _Just like in the movies, you've seen it a hundred times_ , she thought. She wrapped them around his shoulders, so gently that it made him ache. He could feel her trembling, and he pulled back, resting his forehead against hers. "Don't gotta be nervous, darlin'," he whispered.

"What about Andrea?" she asked. He froze momentarily, then leaned down to nuzzle her throat.

"I never meant for that," he said between kisses. "I wished it was you. I want you, Devin." Suddenly, her apprehension overcame her and she grabbed his shoulders and pushed him back. He looked down at her, knowing the look on her face, the signs in her expressions and gestures.  _She's panicking_ , he thought.  _I've scared her. Just like what Jenner said and showed us overwhelmed and scared her_. She turned away from him, opening the door and leaving him.

* * *

Devin buttoned her shirt quickly and came back out to the camp area. As usual, no one really paid her any attention and for once, she was grateful. She came into her and Shane's tent and burrowed into her sleeping bag on her air mattress.

 _He was so gentle_ , she thought. The places where Shane had touched felt branded, his kisses burned into her flesh.


	11. Chapter 11

_...that you're drowning in the water, s_ _o I offered you my hand..._

* * *

Shane came back to the tent that night, after avoiding it most of the day. He was nervous about what he'd done, worried that she would lash out at him for putting his hands on her. And my mouth, he thought. Living in such close proximity to her was getting harder, his attraction to her growing deeper.

But they shared a tent, so he had no choice.

* * *

Devin laid in her sleeping bag on the air mattress. She laid with her back turned from both the opening of the tent and from his bed. She knew he'd be coming back eventually and didn't want to talk to him about what happened. A big part of her wanted to jump into this thing with him with both feet. But the old apprehensive part of her wanted to hide, to runaway.  _I wished it was you_ , he'd said.  _I want you, Devin_. She shivered in her sleeping bag.  _Yeah, he wants me, he says_ , she thought.  _But he had sex with Andrea and probably with Lori before I got here. This all comes so easy to him. But not me._  During and after their brief encounter, Devin was all too aware of her lack of experience. She'd never been in a relationship and she'd never been intimate with anyone, ever.  _His hands felt good_ , she thought.  _His arms, his kisses. But I just had no idea how to participate until he told me to kiss him back_. She cringed at the memory.  _A normal woman would have known, would have just done it_ , she thought.

She heard Shane enter the tent and she froze. She closed her eyes and laid still, feigning sleep. She listened as he zipped the tent closed behind him, as he sat down in the folding chair next to his bed. He took off his shoes, his shirt and his pants before climbing into his bed.  _I want to be in bed with him and I want to die of embarrassment at the same time_ , she thought.

"You asleep, Dev?" he asked into the tent. She held still, remaining quiet.

Shane could tell she was awake. He knew what she sounded like when she was asleep. Her breathing would be even and steady and most of the time, she would lay on her back. Nevertheless, she didn't answer when he spoke.  _I've traumatized her_ , he thought.  _I've scared her away from me and all I was trying to do was show her how I feel_. He turned over on his side, facing the tent wall, frustrated and worried that he'd ruined the bond they'd built.

* * *

Devin leaned against a tree. She'd gone up to the house to wash up, and saw him on her way back. Still nervous from the encounter in the bathroom, she darted behind a tree.

"Devin, you don't have to hide from me," he said. She realized that was exactly what she was doing and she suddenly felt mortified.  _I need to be alone_ , she thought. _I need to be alone and away from him_. She turned and began walking off into the woods.

Shane watched her go. For a moment, he just let her. He didn't know what else to do. But then he thought of how she'd looked when she came from the woods the first time, all scraped and bruised.  _And the walker_ , he thought, his heart sinking. He started after her.

"Devin," Shane called to her under his breath. He heard her moving up ahead, could see her between the trees at times. "Devin, come back," he said, exasperated. He caught up to her, coming around in front of her. "Just stop."

"Leave me alone," she said.

"If that's what you want me to do, fine," he said. "But you have to stop going into these woods alone. It's not safe."

"I don't need you to save me," Devin said.

"You sure needed help the other night," Shane said. His eyes met hers and she looked away. "Devin, I know how you're feelin'-"

"You put your hands on me," she said.

"I never meant to upset you," he said. "I'm sorry." For the first time since the beginning of their conversation, she looked up at him. He saw something cross her face that he hadn't ever seen before. She turned, walking away from him. "Wait," he said. She felt the tears welling in her eyes.  _Of course he didn't mean it_ , she thought. "Devin, come on, I apologized," he said, grabbing her arm. She jerked away from him. But she did stop, and that's when he saw the tears. "What're you crying for?" he said.

"Just leave me alone," she said, tearing away from him.

"No, Rick will kill me if I show up back there without you," Shane said.

"You aren't responsible for me. I'm not a child," she said.

"Look, I never said you were a child and I don't treat you like one. But I ain't leavin' you out here," he grabbed her arm again. Devin tried to pull away, but Shane was stronger, his grip biting into her upper arm. She drew back and struck him across the face with her open hand. He released her, shocked at her hitting him. "You act like I'm some kind of animal," he said. "I care for you, Devin. That's the only reason I kissed you. It's the only reason I do anything anymore."

"Is that why you had sex with Andrea?" she asked. He frowned, searching her eyes. "You talk real nice, Shane, but I see you. I saw you with Lori and I saw you with Andrea. I may have things wrong with me, but I'm not stupid."

"I'm not proud of what Lori and I did. It was a mistake and if I could take it back, I would," he said. "And Andrea," he paused, trying to find the right words and not sound like a prick. "That was me trying to cope with my feelings for you." Her face didn't soften and he knew she wasn't moved.

"That doesn't make you a good guy, Shane," she said.

"I'm not trying to be the good guy," he said. "I'm trying to be honest with you." He searched her face, hoping to find a way back to her. He got through to her so easily before.

"You're really never going to trust me again, are you?" he asked.

"You broke my heart," she said, her voice small again. "How am I supposed to trust you like that again?" She asked. He stood there, dumbfounded. She crossed her arms and walked around him back to the campsite.

* * *

"Do you have feelings for my sister?" Rick asked Shane. He watched his best friend struggle with the question.

"I do," he said. "I think I do."

"You think you do? Or you do?" Rick asked.

"I do," Shane answered quietly.

"Does she have feelings for you?" Rick asked.

"I guess you'd have to ask her, Rick," Shane said.

"What, you don't know?" Rick asked.

"She's not exactly an open book," Shane said.

"I take it you haven't told her how you feel," Rick said.

"Rick, I don't even know how she would take that," Shane said.

"You mean to tell me that in all the times you've slept in the same tent, in the same room, all the time you've spent alone-"

"You know how different she is, Rick," Shane said.

"You've never put your hands on her?" Rick pressed. Shane swallowed thickly.

"Once, just once," he said. "She thought she got scratched on her back by a walker and she asked me to look at it. I kissed her, just once. She didn't seem into it, so I backed off."

"You've never said she had a close call-"

"She made me swear not to say anything," he said.

"I'm her brother-"

"You have a family of your own to worry about. She didn't want you to worry about her, too," Shane said. Rick sighed heavily.

"Do you love her?" Rick asked. It was a question Shane'd been struggling with on his own. He was used to women with the same emotional capacity as his own. He was accustomed to women who were receptive to his advances, both physically and otherwise. Devin was completely different from women he'd been involved with in the past. She stuck by him, but he wasn't sure if she'd ever be able to love him back romantically.  _It doesn't matter, does it?_ , he thought.  _You love her anyway. She's beautiful and brilliant and it doesn't matter if she ever reciprocated your affection. Because you already love her_. Shane nodded.

"I do," he said. Rick eyed him, stepping back.

"And you're thinking about leaving the group?" Rick asked.

"Rick, I told you, she wasn't interested," Shane said, looking and sounding dejected.

"That's not what Lori says," Rick said. "Said she had a pretty bad meltdown when she realized you'd gone into town for Otis and the medical stuff."

"See, everyone seems to be able to see or get her to admit her feelings, except for me," Shane said. "I watch over her, I let her stay with me, ride with me, I've consoled her, helped her, talked to her, I even tried to kiss her. She won't let me love her."

"You know it's not easy with her. You have to be patient, let her come to you," Rick said.

"Everyone comes and talks to me. She loves me, she adores me, she looks to me," Shane said. "I know that. Don't you all think I can see that? I'm trying to be patient with her, but," he huffed, trying not to sound upset. "I love her, Rick. I love her something fierce and she won't hardly let me within arm's length, physically or otherwise."

"And you think separating yourself from the group takes care of the situation?" Rick asked.

"It does for me," Shane said. "I'm tired of taking a backseat. I'm tired of playing games. If she doesn't love me back, then I don't see the point of me sticking around."


	12. Chapter 12

_...compassion's in my nature, tonight is our last stand..._

* * *

Andrea found Devin sitting out on the picket fence. She sat looking out over Herschel's fields.

"Mind if I join you?" Andrea asked. Devin looked at her briefly, then back down at the ground, shaking her head. She climbed onto the fence with Devin. "I wanted to talk to you about Shane." Andrea waited to see if the younger woman would protest. But she didn't, just sat there silently. "Look, I'm sorry," Andrea said. "I know you have feelings for him. We never should have done what we did."

"I don't have feelings for him," she said, looking straight out into the field.

"I know you're not good with the emotions thing, but I know a woman in love when I see one," Andrea said. "You took off into those woods, you ran from him because he hurt you." Devin shook her head.

"It doesn't matter," she said. "You're a better fit for him."

"Sweetie, I don't have feelings for Shane," Andrea said. Devin shrugged.

"It's none of my business," she said.

"Devin, everyone sees it. Lori, Rick, even Carl," Andrea said. Devin looked over then, bewildered.

"I do not have feelings for him," she said. She looked away. "Even if I did, I can't give him what he needs."

"You mean sex?" Andrea asked. "He would be patient, Devin."

"Yeah, because he was so patient with Lori and you," she said. She chanced a look at Andrea's face and saw she was smiling. "What on earth is funny?"

"It's just good to see you be a little pissed," Andrea said.

"I'm not, I was just stating a fact," she said.

"He said your name, you know?" Andrea said. Devin looked over at her. "When he, you know, came. He said your name. Not mine." Andrea watched her figure out what she meant, her eyes dropping, her cheeks flushing. "I just thought you should know. He loves you as much as I think you love him, more maybe. And he'd be patient with you. In everything, not just sex. I know you and me don't see eye to eye, but take it from me. He loves you."

* * *

Devin sat across the campfire from Shane. Everyone seemed to be aware of the distance and tension between Shane and Devin. She sat, reading one of her books, detached completely from the conversations going on around her.

Shane felt increasingly frustrated with her. She wouldn't speak to him, would barely look at him. She'd even begun sleeping up in Herschel's house instead of in the tent with him. He missed talking to her, laughing with her. He missed her constantly at his side during the day, sleeping across the tent from him at night.  _I can't_ , he thought,  _I can't take this anymore. If she wants me out of her life, then I'll leave._

"Hey, everyone," he said, clearing his throat. "I just wanted to take a moment to say that I'm going to make a trip to Fort Benning. Want to check it out, see if it's overrun." Devin looked up, her eyes wide.

"Alone?" Andrea asked.

"Yeah," he said, half-smiling. "No offense, but I think it would be better if you all stay here. Carl needs to heal up and you all are dead on your feet-"

"So are you," Lori said.

"Look, I'm going to go, check it out," he said. "If it turns out to be a good thing, I'll come back as fast as I can to get you all. We don't have the gas or the supplies to make the trip as a group."

Devin could feel them all looking at her, measuring her reaction to Shane's plan of action. He's leaving because of me, she thought. She willed herself not to give in to her anxious ticks.  _I will not be weak in front of these people or him again_ , she commanded herself.

"Is Aunt Devin going with you?" Carl asked. Devin felt her adrenaline spike, the urge to wring her hands and chew her lip worse than ever. But she remained still.  _Just breathe_ , she thought. She looked over at Carl.

"No, she's gonna stay here with you and your mom and dad," Shane said. She looked up at him, almost insulted that he'd answered for her in such a way.  _I'm not a child_ , she thought.

"No, Carl, I'm not going anywhere," she affirmed. Carl moved closer to her, and she put her arms around the boy.

* * *

Devin gathered her tattered paperback books into her backpack, along with her clothes and other personal items. She was trying to get her things before Shane came back to the tent. Her hands were shaking and she had to stop. She breathed deeply, her hands clenching and relaxing, clenching and relaxing.

The tent door rustled behind her and she turned, expecting Shane. But it was Carl.

Shane came back to the tent, only stopping when he heard voices from inside the tent.

"Aunt Devin, I think you should go with Uncle Shane," Carl said.

"I can't, Carl," she said. Her voice sounded small, even a bit hoarse. "I have to stay with you and your parents."

"But don't you love him?" the boy asked. Shane froze, holding his breath

"It's not that simple," she said. "Shane and I are very different."

"I know. Mom and dad told me how you're different," he said. Shane winced. Kids could be brutally honest. "But it's ok to be different." Shane heard her stop packing and sit down with Carl on her air mattress.

"You're right, it is ok. But sometimes, people are too different. Sometimes, it just doesn't work," she said.

"He loves you," Carl said. Again, Shane winced. "I know he does. And it would be so cool if you married him. Then he could really be my uncle." I could, Shane thought. She'd take my name, but I'd be part of her family.

"People can't get married anymore, Carl," she said. "And anyways, Shane and I don't love each other. Not like married people, like your mom and dad."

"But it would be perfect-"

"I know, sweetie. But he's leaving and you heard him, he doesn't want to take anyone else," she said. "And I don't want to leave you or your parents. You are my family." Carl must've been satisfied with that, because he didn't ask anymore questions. Shane peered through the open door, seeing her embrace the boy. "Wanna help me move this stuff?" she asked. He nodded, faithfully taking the smaller tote from her. Shane darted away before either of them could see that he'd be eavesdropping.


	13. Chapter 13

_...I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut, my weakness is that I care too much..._

* * *

Devin stood in the middle of the yard, surrounded by walkers. Using the handgun Shane'd given her, she managed to keep them from attacking her directly. She ran toward the driveway and the road, trying to get away from the majority of them. But she stopped dead. The vehicles were gone. Everyone was gone. Shane was always the one to make sure she was safe, that she was where she needed to be. And he'd left. She felt the frustrated, hurt tears welling in her eyes.  _Just give up_ , she thought. Carl's well. Rick and Lori had each other. Shane'd taken off the day before, refusing to take her.  _Just let go_ , she thought. _You aren't made for this world anymore. You're tired and frustrated and now, you're alone. It's ok to let go now._  She looked back at the walkers, felt the weight of the revolver in her hand.

Suddenly, she heard a car coming down the road towards Herschel's house. She turned and there he was. Shane in his black Wrangler. She almost thought she was imagining it. But he skidded to a stop right beside her.

"Come on! Get in!" He yelled through the open passenger window. She looked back at the walkers, then turned and ran to the Jeep. She got inside, slamming the door behind her.

"I thought you left!" she said as he peeled away from the old farm house.

"Saw that herd coming, had to find my way back around them and that traffic on the main highway," he said. "Where's everyone?"

"Gone," she said. "I was asleep upstairs in one of the bedrooms."

"They left you?!" he asked. She shrugged. "Jesus Christ!"  _They forgot about her_ , he thought.  _She's so damn quiet. Half the time I'd forget she was with me in the tent or in here_. His heart ached for her.

"Why'd you come back?" she asked.  _Because I couldn't leave you_ , he thought.

"Thought you guys might need some help with that herd," he said.  _Did you honestly think he came back for you?_ , she thought. "Do you know if everyone made it out?" She looked over at him, her eyes meeting his for the first time in a long time.

"They left me," she said, her voice threatening. "How should I know?" She laid the gun on the seat between them. She crossed her arms and leaned against the passenger door, tears welling in her eyes.  _I was almost free,_  she thought.

"I'm sorry, Devin, I'm sorry. That was a stupid question-"

"Why didn't you just leave like you said you were going to?" she asked, her voice breaking. "Why didn't you just go? I was almost free. I was almost finally free." She sobbed, tears running down her cheeks.

"Dev, honey, you're not making sense," he said.

"Oh just shut up!" she screamed. "Stop pretending to be nice to me! Stop acting like you're the fucking good guy!"  _She's having an attack_ , he thought.  _An episode. Her family left her behind. I left her behind. A normal person would freak out too._  He looked out over the fields, seeing only a few walkers. So he pulled over and stopped.

"I know you're upset, I know," he said calmly. "I know you're hurting and scared, but I'm not going to let anything happen to you."

"Right, sure, Rick and Shane, don't worry, one of them will save the day, one of them will make sure I'm safe," she said doubtfully.

"Look, I get it, you're upset, they ain't here, so you're giving it all to me, I understand," he said, still being patient.

"No, I'm giving it to you because you deserve it. You act like you're the big hero, swinging in and saving me. You're the first one who left!" she said. "You turned your back and walked out on me. And I'm supposed to be grateful because you showed up at the last second." She clicked the door handle.

"Close the door, you're not getting out," he said, the warm, patient tone instantly melting away.

"You don't get to boss me around," she said, opening the door. He grabbed her arm.

"I don't want to hurt you, but if you try to leave this car by yourself, I promise you, I will do what I have to to stop you," he said.

"I hate you," she said.

"Hate me then," he said. "But close that fuckin' door and sit down." She closed the door, jerking her arm away from him. "You wanna know why I came back?" he asked. She looked over at him. "I came back for you." Her eyes dropped and she crossed her arms. "Yeah, for you. I thought I could leave without you, but I was wrong. I couldn't think, I couldn't do anything without wondering if you were ok."

"It's not your job to take care of me," she said.

"It ain't about takin' care of you. It's about me. I can't even sleep anymore unless you're near me. I care about you, I," he stopped.  _She needs to hear it. I don't know what she's going to do, but she needs to hear it_. "I love you, Devin. And not like a friend, not like a sister. I really love you." She looked over at him, quickly looking away. "I don't know what I would've done if I'd come back and you weren't there. Or worse." His voice faltered. "It would have killed me." Her heart ached from his words. Tears welled in her eyes.

"I didn't hear anything because after you left, I went upstairs and I locked myself in the spare bedroom I'd been staying in," she said. "I was upset." The tears spilled over onto her cheeks. "I was so mad at you for leaving."

"Why didn't you try to stop me?" he asked.

"Because I didn't believe you," she said. "I didn't believe that you loved me." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a clean handkerchief, handing it to her.

"Well I do," he said. She wiped her eyes with the handkerchief. She scooted closer to him, willing herself to wrap her arms around his middle. Like the time after he'd come back from going into town for Otis, it was awkward, but sweet. Shane wrapped his arms around her, pressing his lips to her forehead. "Do you hate me, Devin?" he asked into the darkness. There was a long pause, to the point that he thought she was asleep.

"No," she said softly. "I love you, Shane," she said, just barely above a whisper.

"You must've thought I really was some kind of monster. You think I'd have gone into town for those medical supplies, that I'd have stuck close to you, that I'd have kissed you, if I didn't love you?" She didn't answer him. "Please look at me." She sat up. Her eyes were red and puffy from crying, but her blue eyes met his. "I love you, Devin." He pulled her against him again, wrapping his arms around her as she wrapped hers around his middle.

"I love you, Shane. I don't know what I'd do without you," she said, pressing her face against his chest just below his neck.

"Since that day you followed me into our tent back in Atlanta," he continued, smoothing his large hands over her back. "After I beat the hell out of Ed. You followed me into that tent and wiped the blood off of my hands. You should've been afraid of me, as angry and confused as I was. But you weren't." She felt him kiss her hairline, holding her fiercely to him.


	14. Chapter 14

...and our scars remind us that the past is real, I tear my heart open just to feel...

"Here," he held out the uneaten half of his granola bar. She looked at the granola bar, then looked at him doubtfully. "Take it," he said. "You're smaller than me. You don't have as much that your body can burn." He was right. But she knew they were both starving. "Please take it." He wasn't brusque with her, his tone pleading. She finally took it. She took a bite of it, avoiding his eyes as she chewed. I hated him, she thought. Her face fell, her empty hand coming up to shield her eyes from him.

"S-Sorry, I know you hate it," she said, referring to her tears. He always seemed to get so frustrated with her when she cried. But, holding the last of his granola bar that he'd willing given to her, it made her feel awful. How long has she been holding it in?, he wondered. She looked so tired now, so worn and lost. They'd had to abandon his Wrangler a while back and had been on foot since.

"Dev, come on now," he moved over beside her, pulling her to his side. "Don't cry."

"I'm sorry," she said. She remained stiff at his side, not dropping her head on his shoulder, not putting her arm around him, nothing. But he could tell by her face she was still fighting her emotions. "I hated you." Her hands trembled, as she wiped her meager tears from her dirty face, then folded up the last bite of the granola bar in it's wrapper and shoved it in her pocket. She covered her face with her hands. He stood up, helping her up in the process. She stood in front of him, but didn't meet his eyes. She wrapped her arms loosely around her middle, the sight of her puffy, tear-stained cheeks and weathered eyes made him ache. He came to her, pulling her against him.

"Come on," he said gently, "Put your arms around me." She hesitated, then obeyed, wrapping her arms around his waist. Satisfied, he wrapped his arms around her, holding her firmly. He felt her press her face against the front of his shoulder. He smoothed his hands up and down her back. She hugged herself tighter to him. He felt her shaking, her sobs muffled against his shoulder. She felt him kiss the top of her head, then rest his cheek there. "Ain't ever gonna let anything happen to you."

"I don't think we have much control over what happens to us anymore," she said, pulling back from him. She wiped her eyes.

"Stop that," he said. "I don't want to hear that from you. Don't you dare start thinking this is it."

"We don't have anymore food or water. We're both exhausted." She trailed off, shaking her head. As usual, her eyes wouldn't meet his and he couldn't stand it.

"Look at me," he said, taking her face in his hands, making her look up at him. "This ain't it. You might have all the brains, but you don't know the future. We should almost be to that little town on the map and there has to be some stuff there to eat, maybe even a bed to sleep in." She closed her eyes, expelling the last of her tears. He wiped them away, and she opened her eyes again. "Goddamn 200 IQ and she thinks she knows everything." He let go of her and she immediately backed up, crossing her arms, looking away from him.

"200 isn't possible," she said softly. "It's 160." She half-smiled, chancing a glance up at him. He laughed.

Shane and Devin found a little chain hotel in the next town they came to. They avoided walkers, making their way to the building carefully. Once inside, they cautiously checked the halls and rooms, Shane killing a couple of them by hand with his knife. They found a room on the third floor that was untouched and made sure the floor was clear of walkers.

Devin sat on the edge of the bed, still made from before the world ended. Shane watched her, knowing she was too exhausted and drained.

"Devin," he started. She looked over at him, leaning against the closed door. "I want you to stay here while I go look for food and water." Her eyes snapped into focus and she looked like she was about to protest. But then, something in her retreated.

"Ok," she said, her voice so small. He didn't want to leave her alone, but he knew neither of them was going to last with no food and no water. He turned, stepping out of the room.

"Lock the door and deadbolt it," he said. "Don't open the door unless you're sure it's me." She nodded. "Try to rest."

She couldn't even convince herself to lay down with him gone. Devin hadn't realized how she'd come to rely on Shane, how much his absence unsettled her. He's the one who kills the walkers, she told herself. He's the one who can hunt, who can figure out how to find water. He knows how to survive out here and I couldn't do it alone. She paced by the wide window, watching for any sign of him. She sat down on the window sill, which was wide enough for her to comfortably rest in the corner. That's not why you're worried, a little voice in her head said. She bit her lip. They were alone, no one else. And he'd gone out to find sustenance, alone. She felt the adrenaline make her blood chill and her joints ache.

About an hour or so later, Devin was startled by the sound of electricity. The air conditioner under the window she was sitting in kicked on, spitting cool, refreshing air into the stale, stuffy room.

She got up cautiously, going to the door. She looked out through the peephole and saw Shane coming down the hall, a couple of plastic bags of what looked like gas station type food and a palate of water bottles under his arm. She opened the door.

"Jesus," he jumped, smiling. "Were you waiting at the door this whole time?"

"No, but the air conditioning kicking on got my attention," she said as he came into the hotel room. She shut the door behind them and locked it with the deadbolt and the handle lock. He laid the water in the floor and the bags next to it, then went over to the window, standing over the air conditioner.

"Generators downstairs," he said. "Still had gas in them. Quite a bit, surprisingly enough." She wanted to go to him, to put her arms around him and thank him for coming back ok. But she restrained herself. He turned to her. "Go on, get a hot shower."

"Oh my god, I didn't even think of that!" she said, her face lighting up.

"Go on, before I change my mind and decide I'm going first," he said. She turned and left the room. Her excitement made him smile, made him feel like he was actually doing right for the first time in days.

After they both showered and ate some from what he'd found, they both realized how exhausted they were.

"Well, I'm beat," he said. "You sleep in the bed. I'll sleep on the couch." She looked at him, then at the little couch.

"No, I'm smaller and honestly, the couch will be a relief from sleeping in the woods," she said.

"No, now, my mama didn't raise me to let a girl have poorer accommodations than me," he said.

"Is this proper apocalypse etiquette that your mother taught you?" she asked. He smiled, surprised at her joke.

"Yeah, it is," he said, with all of the joking, goodhearted southern charm he had, "Right along with let her take the first shower should you find a place with hot water and let her pick what she wants from the gas station rations before you take your own."

"It's a big bed, Shane," she said, looking down at her fidgeting hands. "I don't see why we can't just, you know, share it." She was too afraid to look up, too afraid of what face he might be making. She wasn't sure what she was more afraid of, disgust or that wicked little smile he had.

"If you think you wouldn't be uncomfortable," he said. She chanced a look up and saw that he wasn't looking at her either. It wasn't disgust in his face, nor wickedness. Something else, concern maybe. He looked up and their eyes met.

"I won't," she said.


	15. Chapter 15

_...I'm drunk and I'm feeling down, and I just wanna be alone..._

* * *

Shane laid there as she crawled into bed beside him. He listened as, not ten minutes after she'd settled in, her breathing evened out as she fell asleep. He'd purposely placed himself closest to the door and before laying down, he'd made sure the door was securely locked, then they'd pushed the only armchair in front of the door, just as an extra precaution. He made sure his gun was loaded and the safety off, as well as hers. Recounting all of this in his head, he was finally able to relax and drift off to sleep too.

A few hours into the night, Devin began tossing in her sleep.

"No, no," she groaned. She began kicking, fighting or running in her nightmare. It woke Shane up and he sat up. "No, no, please, I don't, I can't," she groaned, writhing and kicking. He tried to wait, to see if she would calm down on her own, so he wouldn't have to wake her up. "No, NO NOOOOOO!" she screamed. He scrambled over in the bed and pinned her, pushing his palm over her mouth.

"Devin, Devin, wake up," he said. Her eyes flew open, wild with fear. "It's me, it's just me, don't scream." He felt the tension leave her body and he lifted his hand from her mouth. She looked up at him, relief reading across her face. He got up, peering through the peephole, then out the window. Nothing. No walkers. No people. He came back to the bed and sat down, rubbing his face with his hands.

"I'm sorry, Shane." He crawled back in bed, laying on his back. When he didn't say anything, Devin turned onto her side, facing away from him.

 _She scared the hell out of me_ , he thought.  _She has no idea how much I want to hold her and console her, how fucking frustrating it is to lay next to her and not touch her_. He heard her sniffle, tearing him from his thoughts.

She wiped her eyes, big, hot tears rolling down her cheeks. She knew it was just the relief of being safe, of being able to eat and rest, that was allowing all of the repressed fear and anxiety surface. But now, waking up like that, knowing she'd scared him, feeling the tension coming off him, only made everything feel worse.

"Dev," he said. She tried to pretend like she hadn't heard him.  _Just leave me alone_ , she thought. But she felt him move. "Devin." She turned over. He'd moved more into the middle of the bed. He reached for her, taking her arm and pulling her to him. She slid to him, following his lead as he positioned her against him in spoon-like fashion. His big body behind her made her feel safer, his arms pulling her back against his chest.

"You scared the hell outta me," he said, trying to be funny. But the sound of his voice low in her ear, his body against hers, did all but relax or amuse her.

"I'm sorry, Shane" she said.

"Don't be sorry," he said. "Just try to go back to sleep."

* * *

Devin stood in the small hotel room bathroom with him. Shane'd stripped off his t-shirt and stood with his back to her. She examined the scrape on his back, deeper and higher than hers had been a few weeks ago. She took one of the clean hand towels and wet it under the faucet.

"I'm going to touch it," she said, wringing out the excess water.

"It's bad, isn't it?" he asked.

"It's just a bad gash, I think," she answered. She pressed the cool, damp cloth to his back over the scrape, blotting away the blood. She studied the wound closely. He felt her free hand touching at the edges of the wound, trying to be as gentle as she could. "Yeah, just a bad gash, no signs of walker scratches or bites." He let out a breath that he wasn't aware that he was holding.

"Thank god," he said.

"Let me clean it up and bandage it," she said. He nodded, not moving. She took the bottle of rubbing alcohol and poured some onto the already-wet hand towel. "This might sting," she said before pressing it to the wound. He nodded, but still hissed when the disinfecting agent touched his open wound. She cleaned it thoroughly, then rubbed some antibacterial cream on the open spots, then bandaged it. She was smoothing down the last of the adhesive when something occurred to her. Their positions were completely reversed from the last time, a few weeks ago, when he'd first put his hands - and mouth - on her. On an impulse, she leaned in and pressed her lips to the smooth skin of his left shoulder blade. He gasped softly, feeling her against his back, her lips raining kissing over the exposed, unharmed flesh of his back.  _Just like I did to her_ , he thought.  _Exactly like I did to her_. Her hands fell to his waist, holding him so gently that it was maddening.

Suddenly, he pulled away and spun around to look at her. She stood there, silent, only able to hold his gaze for a beat before she looked away, her cheeks flushing red.

"I'm sorry, I-" he reached for her, pulling her to him, crushing his mouth down over hers. He waited for her to fight him, to shove him away from her. But she didn't. Her hands came to his bare shoulders first, holding on timidly to him. Her lips were so soft, so eager as he kissed her, kissing him back. He wrapped his arms around her, holding her tightly flush against him. She was curved and soft in ways that made him want to put his hands on her, to kiss every part of her. He finally broke the kiss, but he didn't release her. Locked against him, she let him hold her, relished the little kisses he pressed to her lips, her cheeks, her forehead. Her arms slid around his neck loosely. He leaned down to kiss her again, this time gently, slowly, enjoying the feel of her against him, in his arms. He trailed kisses down her jaw to her throat, nuzzling her just behind her earlobe.

"I felt those first kisses f-for weeks," she whispered. He pulled back.

"Jesus," he swore, rubbing his hand over his mouth. "All this time, I was sure you hated me." She shook her head.

"I never hated you, Shane," she said, her voice suddenly serious. "I've loved you this whole time. When you left, it broke my heart." The muscles in his jaw tightened visibly.

"I've never meant to hurt you," he said. He lifted her, her arms wrapping around his neck, her legs around his torso. He carried her to the bed, laying her on her back. He then laid down to rest beside her, propped up on one elbow. He leaned in slowly, his lips brushing hers gently, thrilled when she kissed back. He pushed the hem of her t-shirt up, exposing her midriff. Shane slid down and pressed soft kisses to her stomach. Her stomach quivered as he did, Devin biting her lip. She ran her fingers through his thick, dark hair, encouraging him. He slid back up beside her, his mouth finding hers again. The backs of his fingers stroked over her stomach. He broke their kiss, looking down into her eyes.

"I want to touch you more," he said. "But I don't want to push you. Tell me to stop and I will." She nodded. He held her gaze as he turned his hand over and slid it up her shirt. She gasped, her eyes flickering closed as he slipped his hand in one of the cups of her bra, gently cupping her breast, teasing her nipple with his fingers, flicking it with his thumb.

"Sh-Shane," she breathed.

"'s that feel good, Dev?" he murmured in her ear, nipping at her earlobe. She whimpered, nodding. He slid his hand over to the other breast, doing the same thing he'd done before.

"They're so sensitive," she whispered. "I had no idea." On impulse, he slid down slightly, pushing her t-shirt and bra up with both hands. His body came to rest on top of hers as he cupped her breasts in his hands, gently pushing them together, flicking his thumbs back and forth over her nipples. She moaned softly, squirming beneath him. He watched her, in awe of her reaction to his touch. He leaned in, taking one of her nipples into his mouth and suckling the little pink bud, running his tongue over it as he had with his thumb. "Oh my god, that feels s-so good," she moaned. He switched to the other breast while pinching and plucking at her other nipple. Devin cradled his head, encouraging him to continue. One of his hands slid down her stomach, hesitating. She placed her hand over his and pushed it down over her pants, between her legs. He cupped her gently, surprised by her boldness. He leaned up and looked down at her, his fingers tracing the seam of her jeans, back and forth over her core.

"Look at me," he breathed. Her eyes opened then, looking up at him. "I love you," he said softly. She rose up, slipping her t-shirt and bra off, discarding them to the floor. She laid back down, looking up at him.

"I love you," she said. She reached down, unbuttoning her jeans. He observed, looking back up at her nervously. "I want this," she said, leaning up to kiss him as she undid the zipper.

"Wait, wait," he said. "Have you ever done this before?" She chewed her lip.

"No," she answered. "But I want to," she said. He nodded, swallowing hard. He stood up, removing his pants, shoes and underwear. She busied herself with removing her jeans and panties. He then crawled back onto the bed with her. His cock was fully aroused and looked very intimidating. He noticed her looking at him, and his face flushed. He came to her, pulling her against him, crushing her lips against his. Shane kissed her, his kisses more passionate and suggestive than before. She felt his hand slide between her legs, his fingers stroking her tender opening, teasing the swollen lips of her sex. He parted her carefully, seeming to know exactly how to handle her, and pressing a finger into her. She stiffened at the invasion, and he paused, finding and pressing the pad of his thumb against her clit.

"Just relax, Dev," he said, stroking her clit in soft but determined circles. "You're so wet."

"I'm s-sorry," she said softly.

"Sorry?" he nuzzled her throat, his fingers doing things that she'd never felt. She'd masturbated a few times, but mostly she didn't feel comfortable with her sexuality. She'd focused for so long on her intellect that she'd often neglected her more base urges and needs. "Don't ever be sorry for this. This," he moved the finger that was inside her, stroking her inner walls, "Is the biggest turn on of them all." She trembled, nervous. He withdrew his fingers and she pulled him over her. Though nervous, she spread her legs wide, wanting more than fearing. He trailed kisses from her mouth to her neck, positioning himself over her. He settled between her legs, their naked flesh pressing together. She felt his sex pushing against hers, twitching slightly with his agonizing arousal.

"I can feel how wet you are," he said in her ear, taking his cock in his hand, stroking her tender opening with the tip. "Tell me you want me."

"I want you, Shane please," she groaned. He entered her carefully, willing himself to go slow, to be gentle with her. She whimpered, pushing at his chest. "It hurts," she groaned. "You're hurting me." That was when he felt the distinctive break inside of her. She hissed in pain and he felt her tense.

"Tell me to stop and I will, Devin."

"I don't want to stop," she said softly. The blood was buzzing in his veins, his arousal burning hot.

"It might hurt less if we change position," he said. "You know, if I'm behind you."

"I think I need to be able to hold onto you," she said. He couldn't believe the things she was saying, how much it felt like he was finally getting what he wanted. He nodded.

"Alright," he said. "We'll just go slow." He brought her legs up, hooking them over his hips and pulled her up into a sitting position on his lap, still buried inside her. "You're in control, Dev. If you need to stop, don't hesitate." She looked at him doubtfully. "Don't worry about me this time around." He winked and she broke into a smile. She wrapped one arm around his shoulders, the opposite hand gripping one shoulder gently. Shane held her hips in his large hands, guiding her. "Up," he whispered. She rose up with his guidance, not quite releasing him. "Down, slow." She slid back down on him, taking him back inside. She whimpered, wincing. "Hey, look at me," he said. Her blue eyes focused on his browns. "Slow," he said, one of his hands coming up to cup the side of her neck just below her jaw. She impaled herself completely on him. He felt her trembling, looked at the high flush in her face and chest. "Talk to me, tell me how you're feeling."

"A bit overwhelmed," she said. "But good. It's starting to feel good."

"Good girl, up," he said. She rose up. "Down." She slid back down. He let his hand slide down over her breasts, fondling and teasing them, then slipped down between them, finding her clit again. He gently flicked it, noting that she was moving on her own, sliding up and falling deliciously back down.

"Sh-Shane, that feels so good," she breathed as he massaged her clit in firm circles with his three middle fingers. He leaned in, resuming nuzzling her throat.

"Tell me how," he rasped. "Tell me what I'm doing right." She slipped her hand down over his.

"That," she groaned. He stopped the circular motion, flicking his index finger back and forth over her clit. "Th-That," she shuddered, riding him now with almost no hesitation. He wrapped an arm around her back and carefully laid her back on her back, coming back to rest on top of her. He began thrusting back and forth, still playing with her clit. "Oh, oh my god, I think I'm, I'm-" she arched up into him, her arms locking around him, her nails digging into his back. "Sh-Shane," she whimpered, humping herself against him as she convulsed around him. He continued thrusting, the feeling of her already tight pussy clenching down on his cock, sending him rapidly over the edge.

"Fuck," he swore, gripping her to him. "Devin, Jesus Christ." Losing control, he shoved into her a few more times, emptying inside her. She held him as he came, his big body quaking in release. He'd buried his face in the crook between her neck and shoulder, trying to regain his composure. She stroked his back soothingly, not rushing him to move, to withdraw and get off of her. He felt her turn and kiss his temple.

"You ok?" she asked. He rose up on his elbows, looking down at her.

"It was your first time and you're asking me if I'm ok?" he asked, smiling. He drew back, withdrawing from her finally. She saw the blood on him, her blood. He looked down, then at her in time to see her cover her face.

"I'm so embarrassed," she said.

"Don't be," he said. He helped her up. She felt the deep soreness in her abdomen, but nothing she couldn't handle. He led her to the bathroom, turning on the shower. He got in with her, steadying her. He motioned for her to sit on the little ledge seat at the back of the shower. He cleaned the blood off of himself, then took a clean washcloth, wet it and knelt down in front of her.

"No, I can take care of it, really," she said. But he didn't listen. He gently parted her legs and pressed the warm cloth between her thighs.

"All the walkers we've killed and you think a little bit of blood like this can gross me out?" he asked.


	16. Chapter 16

_...you shouldn't ever come around, w_ _hy don't you just go home?..._

* * *

Shane lay next to her on the bed he'd come to think of as theirs. He knew they couldn't stay in this little hotel forever. But laying next to her in the air-conditioning, both of them freshly showered, full from the food he'd been finding in town, it almost felt like the world hadn't ended. He looked over at Devin, sleeping next to him, the afternoon sun shining on her long brown hair.  _She's so goddamn beautiful_ , he thought. He couldn't fathom how far they'd come together. He knew how much it'd taken for her to trust him with her heart, to be comfortable enough to make love with him.  _I told her once that I loved Lori_ , he thought.  _That wasn't love. Wasn't even close._  What he felt for her far surpassed anything he'd felt for anyone before her.  _I would've killed for Lori_ , he thought,  _but I'd die for Devin_. Realizing the distinction scared his internal dialogue silent. He reached for her, gently sliding her to him. She stirred, her eyes drowsy.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up," he said. She looked at him for a moment before coming to snuggle against him. He wrapped his arms around her, listening to her sigh as she fell back asleep. He kissed her forehead, her hair.  _I have to help her find her family_ , he thought. He could enjoy having her to himself for a little while, but very soon, he knew she would need to be with her family again.

* * *

Devin sat on the edge bed next to him, turned away from him.

"I know you're mad at me," he said. "I just wish you'd talk to me."

_I can't_ , she thought.  _I can't get the words out._

"Look, it's just us now, Devin," he said. "I hope to god the others are alright, but the fact is we are alone. And I need to you talk to me if you're upset. We can't survive if you're mad and we ain't talkin'."

"You didn't come back," she managed without sounding too upset.

"I did. I'm right here. It just took me longer, they cornered me for a second. I told you I was sorry," he said.

"You don't get it, do you?" she asked. "We can't keep doing this, you leaving and me staying here. It's not smart and it's not safe."

"I'm doing everything I can," he said. "What you think you're missin' out by not tagging along to the pharmacy?"

"I was worried sick," she said, her voice smaller, though deeper with emotion. He came to her, kneeling down in front of her.

"I'm fine, Dev, look at me," he said. She didn't say anything, looking away from him, tears welling in her eyes. He faltered at the sight of her tears, standing back up. "I don't know what you want from me. I go out there, I risk my life for both of us. So we can eat. So we can have some semblance of comfort."

"I think I need to start coming with you," she said.

"It's not any safer with you out there with me," he said.

"What if s-something does happen to you someday, Shane?" she asked. She willed herself to meet his eyes. "What if I had to defend myself against one or more of those things? What if I had to survive without you?" It suddenly made sense to him.  _She's not talking about being worried about me_ , he thought.  _She's talking about if she had to survive without me._  "You have to start showing me, j-just in case." She was trembling, trying not to break down.

"You're right," he said softly, kneeling down in front of her.  _All logic, with just enough heart shining through to break mine_ , he thought. He reached up, wiping her eyes. "I didn't understand what you meant."

"I know how it sounds," she said, her eyes turning down, tears running down her cheeks.

"It doesn't matter. Look at me," he said, tipping her chin up with his fingers. "I know it scares you, but you're absolutely right. I need to show you how to survive out there. You've already got a lot of it. You can handle a gun, you're smart."  _What would I do?_ , she thought, looking down at him.  _I love him. It would tear me apart to lose him. Just thinking about it hurts._  "Talk to me. I can see a hundred thoughts racing around in there." She looked at him, trying so hard to hold it together. But suddenly, her face crumpled, her shoulders turning inward, her arms folded across her chest. He got up, sitting on the bed with her, gathering her in his arms. "Sweetheart," he whispered, holding her.

"I would miss you," she sobbed. "It's all I think about when you're out there."

"My sweet girl," he cooed. "I love you, Devin."

"I love you," she said softly.

"I'll start taking you out there with me," he said. She nodded.

* * *

Shane saw the ring in the case of the little department store. A light blue stone, rectangular cut, set in a white gold band, flanked on either side by two small diamonds. He'd been planning on asking her to be his before they left the little hotel.  _My wife_ , he thought. He knew he couldn't actually marry her, but he thought that their bond transcended anything sanctioned by the world before the plague. The ring caught his eye because of the coloring of the center stone, so close to her eye color. He pocketed the ring, along with two plain white gold wedding bands.

* * *

Devin packed their bags, placing their meager collection of clothing, some first aid items and medicine, the small collection of guns they possessed along with extra ammunition, non-perishable food items and various other survival items Shane had been picking up on his runs. Their stay had been an enjoyable break from the post-apocalyptic world, but she wanted to find her family.

* * *

Shane sat next to her on the bed. He held the ring out to her. She frowned, looking down at it.

"I saw it and it, uh, it made me think of you," he said. She took it, in awe of its beauty.

"For me?" she asked.

"No, for me, I thought it'd bring out my eyes," he joked. She looked up at him, breaking into a smile. "Of course it's for you." She looked back at it.

"Wait, are you, is this?" she suddenly realized what the ring was intended for.

"I know we can't get married. The world's ended and all," he said.

"You would want to marry me?" she asked, looking over at him.

"I would," he said seriously. "If you would want to marry me, that is." She looked up at him, at the face that was so much gentler with her, at the eyes that were so much warmer with her.

_A thousand thoughts racing through her head and I can't get a read on any of them_ , he thought, watching her think over what he'd said.  _It's too much, too fast. You've scared her._  But then she turned, slipping the ring on the third finger of her left hand. She turned back to him, leaning in to kiss him.  _Just like that_ , he thought.  _I think I've got her figured out and she surprises me._

"I would," she said softly.

"I didn't want to head back out on the road without asking," he said. "Anything could happen to us."

"I guess Carl gets his wish," she said. He looked at her quizzically. "He told me once, how perfect he thought it would be if we got married. So you could really be his uncle." Shane saw the pain in her face at the mention of Carl. He reached for her hand with the ring on it, holding it reassuringly in his hand.

"Well, when we find him, we can tell him the good news," he said.


	17. Chapter 17

_...cause you're drowning in the water, a_ _nd I tried to grab your hand..._

* * *

Shane studied the map of the area he'd picked up at one of the convenience stores during their stay in the hotel. Devin sat on the ground beside a small pile of sticks. Creating a fire was one of the pieces of survival knowledge that Shane taught her recently. He found that she was very easy to teach. She was brilliant, but more than that, if he could teach something to her as a process - a routine - she was very receptive to retaining every step and performing them in order with little or no deviation. He watched her over the map, gathering the sticks in the size, color and density that he'd showed her, watched her pile them as he showed her, watched her create the fire. Sure, they had lighters. But she wanted to learn without them. He watched her create the little coal and put it carefully in with the sticks, watched the little flame catch, watched her smile with satisfaction.  _Sometimes, she's so damn cute and she doesn't even try or know_ , he thought. He turned his eyes back to the map so she wouldn't know he'd been watching her.

After creating and harnessing the fire, Devin brushed her hands off and sat down on the log next to Shane. She looked over at the map.

"You'd think between the two of us, we'd be able to figure out where they might be," Shane said. She studied the map with him, trying to think of how Rick might have moved around, what his thoughts might have been. "Maybe Woodbury? 's not too far and it was a bigger town, but sort of isolated." She frowned.

"No, he wouldn't want to take them into a town. Even a smaller one. No telling how many walkers, what kind of survivors there might be," she said. Shane nodded.

"Yeah, probably not. Might've want to check for weapons, ammo, but he wouldn't have taken Lori and Carl in there," Shane said. Suddenly her eyes focused on a small dot a little ways from both where they were sitting and the discarded Woodbury. She reached over, pointing to the dot. "The prison?" he asked.

"It would be secure, if they could clear away any walkers. At the least, they could've used the fences. Most turned inmates or staff would be confined anyway, I would expect," she said. She looked up at Shane.

"Any survivors could be pretty dangerous in there. We're talking some violent criminals who might not be fully aware of what's happened out here, if they've been confined this whole time," he said. She looked down at the map again, and he could see the thousand thoughts race behind her eyes. "Tell me what's going on in there," he said. She closed her eyes, chewing her lip. When she reopened them, he could see how she'd managed to crystallize her thoughts.

"I think we should check the prison. And if they're not there, we head for Woodbury. They couldn't have gone too far. They would've wanted to know if the rest of us made it out," she said.  _I hope they're looking for me, too_ , she thought.  _Maybe they went back, couldn't find me and assumed I was dead_. Shane watched one of her hands clench into a fist on her knee.

"They're looking for you," he said, placing his hand over her fist. Her eyes widened and she looked up at him. "I ain't no mind reader, but I know you. Logically, you think they think you're dead. But you still have a heart and feelings, just like the rest of us of lesser intelligence." She looked down at the map, her eyes glistening with tears. She chewed her lip, wiping them before they could fall.

"Guess you can't ever count us Grimes' out, huh?" she said. He froze. She looked up at him. "No, I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. I was trying to make light of the situation." She held his hand. He swallowed, willing the shock away.

"I know you didn't mean it," he said. "You all must have nine lives or something." He folded the map, placing it back into his backpack. He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pulled her to his side. She leaned against him, her head resting against his shoulder. "I agree, let's check the prison, and if they aren't there, we go on to Woodbury." He turned, pressing a kiss to her hairline. He felt her snuggle closer to his side. He looked down at her left hand, as the ring he'd given her. She hadn't taken it off once since putting it on.

"When we find them, I'm going to ask for Rick's blessing. Since you're folks ain't around." He heard her gasp, trying just a second too late to conceal it. He pulled back, turning to look at her. "We may not be able to do hardly any of the normal stuff, but," he paused, looking down at her hands in his, "I want to do as much of this right as I can."

"It's ok, Shane, really, the ring is enough-"

"No, it's not. You deserve all of it, a real engagement, flowers, parties, dresses, the ceremony," he said.

"I don't need it," she said. "All that stuff just makes me nervous. Remember when Rick and Lori got married? And she asked me to be a bridesmaid?" He nodded. "My mom got so mad at me because I was so afraid. I didn't want to mess up. Put me in a fancy dress in front of a bunch of people and at some point, maybe in the middle of the ceremony, maybe not, I'm going to have a meltdown. Suppressing all of my ticks, acting like a normal person, for me, especially under pressure or scrutiny, it's exhausting. I mean, look at me," she held out her hands and he saw their distinct tremor. "This is just me reliving their wedding." He took her hands into his. "It's better for me this way."

"I would have at least liked to have taken you down to the courthouse and been married," he said. "I'm askin' your brother when we find him." She bit her lip, but nodded. "Assuming, of course, that he wants to hand his baby sister off to someone like me."

"You can act out this archaic formality, but he doesn't get to decide," she said. "I made up my mind." He leaned in to kiss her, then they began setting up camp for the night.


	18. Chapter 18

_...and I left my heart open, but you didn't understand..._

* * *

Rick, Carl and Lori, along with many of the others from the Atlanta group and the farm, were out on the prison yard, working to clear walkers and debris from the fenced in area. Movement in the distance caught Lori's eye and she looked up toward the front gate.

"Oh my god, Rick! It's Shane and Devin!" she yelled. Rick and Carl turned, along with several of the others to see them. Rick and Carl took off for the gate, Lori moving somewhat slower behind them.

Devin felt her eyes well with tears as her family ran to them. Even Shane couldn't help his emotional reaction. Rick opened the gate. Shane and Devin were barely through when Carl seized his aunt around the waist. She hugged the boy, then managed to kneel so she could hug him on his level.

"Aunt Devin!" he cried. Shane watched as she gripped the boy in her arms, kissing his forehead repeatedly.

"I missed you so much," she said, her voice hoarse with emotion. Shane looked up at Rick.

"Thought you took off, how'd you find her?" Rick asked.

"Saw the herd, came back to see if you all needed help," Shane said. He tried to smile, but he sensed a distinct chill between himself and Rick. He knows, Shane thought, he knows I've been sleeping with his sister. He shuffled nervously. Just as Devin released Carl and stood up, Shane saw Lori. A very pregnant Lori. His eyes widened, the color in his face dropping.

* * *

It took Devin less than a minute to figure out the tension she was feeling between Shane, Rick and Lori. She saw that Lori was pregnant, due soon from the way she was carrying. She saw the hardened look in Rick's eyes as he continued to stare down his best friend. And she saw how pale and sick Shane looked like he felt.  _Oh god_ , she thought,  _it's his baby_. Something in her chest tore again, much like the tear she'd felt when Shane and Andrea had come back from shooting practice, obviously having slept together. But she made herself hold it together. She approached her sister-in-law, hugging her, then her brother, hugging him. But the tension never lifted.

"Come on, Carl," Lori said. "Let's go fix one of the cells up for Aunt Devin." Shane didn't miss the fact that she didn't say his name.

"Where you both been this whole time?" Rick asked, his eyes never leaving Shane's.

"We stayed in a little chain hotel in a small town, not too far from here. Built up some strength and supplies, then came looking for you," Devin said. Rick still hadn't looked at her.

"You just couldn't help yourself, could you?" Rick asked Shane.

"Look, man, I kept them safe. I did the best I could," Shane said. "And I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. If I could take it back-"

"I guess you fucked my sister too," Rick said. Devin flinched.

"Rick, stop, please," Devin said, looking worriedly between her brother and the man she loved.

"Knock her up, too?" Rick asked. Devin stepped between the two men.

"Rick, stop it," she pleaded.

"I kept her safe, too, Rick," Shane said. "I found her back at the farm alone, surrounded by walkers. You think the three of them would be here if it weren't for me?" Rick took a step forward, but Devin persisted, holding her hands up to him.

"He's right," Devin said. For the first time, he looked down at her. "I know this is bad. I know you're upset. But he's right. I saw it with my own eyes with Lori and Carl and he did the same for me. I would've been dead if he hadn't come back." She could hear Rick's breathing, even, frustrated huffs. His eyes lifted back to Shane's. He stepped around Devin, standing threateningly close to Shane.

"You keep your fucking hands off my family, got it?" Rick said. "My wife and my sister are no longer your concern." Rick turned and started to walk away.

"You left Devin back there," Shane said. Rick stopped, fists clenching at his sides. "I've kept her safe this whole time. I've kept her fed and alive." Rick turned to Shane, looking angrier than Devin had ever seen him. "I love her, Rick." Rick started to Shane, Devin seeing the murder in her brother's eyes.

"Rick, stop! Stop!" she cried, coming to him. He sidestepped her, grabbing Shane by the collar and shoving him against the prison gate.

"You keep your filthy hands off my sister," Rick snarled. "You don't love her. You'd fuck any able-bodied female who was willing, you fucking bastard!" Glenn and Daryl noticed the commotion and were headed toward the three of them.

"Rick, stop, please," she pleaded, trying to break them up.

"I do love her," Shane said. Rick pulled back and punch Shane in the face. Shane began trying to fight back, to get Rick off of him.

"Stop it!" she screamed, trying to pry them apart. Just as Daryl and Glenn got within 20 feet, Shane threw a punch, hoping to get Rick to let go of him. But instead, he accidentally struck Devin full force. Both men let go of each other, watching a stunned Devin back away, bringing her hand up over the side of her face, next to her right eye.

* * *

Devin saw stars, her eyes welling with instinctive tears. Glenn came to her just as she was about to swoon, steadying her. Shane and Rick stopped.

"Are you alright?" Glenn asked her. He'd heard the blow connect with her face.

"Fucking Christ, I'm sorry, Devin," Shane said, moving toward her.

"You see what you do? All you've caused is chaos-"

"Oh shut up! Both of you!" Devin sobbed angrily, cutting Rick off. Both Rick and Shane stood silently. "This is what happens to anyone who tries to love you both. Lori, Carl, me. We're the ones who get h-hurt." She pressed her palm against her temple, fighting the urge to break down completely. "I don't want to look at either one of you right now." She swooned again.

"Come on, you need to sit down, have Herschel look at your eye," Glenn said, leading her away from them.

* * *

Lori was talking to Carol when Glenn lead Devin in, his arm around her back. Lori could see that she had been crying, could see that she was hurt by the way she was cradling one side of her face. She watched as Shane and Rick stalked in behind them, Daryl bringing up the rear, obviously keeping an eye on Rick and Shane.

"What happened to her?" Lori asked Rick. But he brushed her off, following Glenn and Devin. Lori turned to Shane, who looked more lost than ever.

"She was tryin' to get between me and Rick," he said. "Rick had me pinned up against the gate and he punched me. I swung back and," he looked horrified. "And I hit her by accident." Lori looked shocked.

"Is she alright?" she asked.

"I don't know, I don't know," Shane said, running a hand through his hair. "I hit her in the face, hard. I swear I didn't mean to." He sat down on one of the cafeteria benches.

"It was an accident," Daryl said. "They were fightin' and she was tryin' to stop it."

* * *

Herschel felt her temple, the bones that made up her eye socket, studied her eye.

"It's gonna bruise, might swell up a bit more, but nothing's broken," he told her. "We don't have anything to make ice in, but cold water compresses should help." She nodded. He turned to Rick and Glenn. "You say this was an accident?" Both men nodded.

"She tried to get between me 'n Shane," Rick said. He continued to explain, pausing as Devin got up. "Where are you going?" But she didn't answer.

* * *

Lori, Shane and Daryl looked up as Devin came out of the infirmary. She had her hand, clenched into a loose fist, up by her eye.

"Sweetie, are you ok?" Lori asked, coming to her. But Devin side-stepped her, dodging her out-reached hand. "Devin?"

"Devin?" Rick said, raising his voice at her. She stopped, turning to the three of them, along with the others watching. "Where are you going?" She dropped her hands to her sides, and Shane saw the blooming bruise around her right eye.

"Where am I going?" she asked. "This whole plague, all I've done is try to track you and Lori and Carl down, Rick. Do you know how broken-hearted I was when I thought you were dead? Do you know what it was like when I realized I was all alone in Herschel's house? With that herd of walkers outside?"

"We came back for you," Lori said. "I swear, as soon as it was daylight, we came back."

"Sure, you came back the next day," Devin nodded, but her tone was anything but sincere. "I was ready to put my pistol in my mouth and be done with it." The room went silent. Shane felt sick. Not knowing if Lori's baby was his, her and Rick being upset with him over it, that was bad. Losing Devin, that would just about have killed him. "And you want to know what stopped me?" She turned to Shane. "He did." She locked eyes with Rick. "He saved my life, more than once while we were out there alone." Tears trembled in her eyes as she fought the urge to sob. "And I love him. And he loves me, I think. And if that's a problem, then where am I going? I'm leaving." Rick stood there, astounded by what she'd said. He still looked angry, but shocked by her revelations. But Devin stood her ground. Shane felt a strange sense of pride, seeing how strong she'd become.

"Rick, we can't turn them away," Lori said. "She's your sister. And Carl would be devastated."

"Alright, fine," he said. He didn't know what else to say, so he walked off.

* * *

Lori led them up to the cell she and Carl fixed for Devin. She didn't linger, sensing the tension still rolling off of the younger woman in waves.

As soon as they were alone, Devin turned to Shane, who lingered in the doorway. He looked lost, unable to meet her eyes. She sat down on the bunk, her head throbbing.

"H-How's your eye?" he asked cautiously.

"Sore," she said. He came to her slowly, readying himself for her to flinch away from him, to lash out even. But she didn't. He knelt in front of her, his hands on her knees, steadying himself.

"I'm so sorry, Dev," he said, his voice unsteady. "It was completely an accident. I would never hit you." The pleading, frightened tone in his voice made her ache.

"I know you wouldn't, Shane," she said. "I know you didn't mean to." She steeled herself for what she was about to ask him. "Shane, is there a chance it's your baby?" He looked up at her, the worry and simultaneous hope in her eyes making him feel like the worst scum of the earth. He swallowed thickly, unable to look her in the eyes when he answered.

"Yes," he rasped. At that, she flinched, her breathing coming in short bursts. Her face fell, and she pulled her hands away from his. "I fucked up, I know I fucked up. You don't know how much I wish I could take it back." She fought hard not to completely dissolve into tears, but she was losing the battle. "Please say something."

"I can't," she said. "I th-think I need to lay down." She pulled away from him, laying back on the bunk, then turning on her side to face the wall.


	19. Chapter 19

_...but you didn't understand, go fix yourself..._

* * *

Shane laid in the same cell with her, on a cot on the other side of the cell. She'd cried for a little while. He knew she'd been trying to conceal it, to be as quiet as possible about it. But he'd heard the sniffles, the muffled whimpers. It'd made him ache. But that was a while ago. She was asleep now. He could tell by her breathing that she was really asleep.  _She's exhausted_ , he thought. And after the uproar of letting them in, after taking that blow to the eye, she would probably sleep until well into daylight the next day. He drifted off a bit later, unaccustomed to being so far away from her in sleep.

* * *

Everyone let her sleep through most of the next morning, but once it was about noon, Shane went up to check on her. She'd turned over on her back, but her eyes were still closed in sleep. He knelt down beside the bed, looking at her. A deep blue and purple bruise encircled her right eye. He felt an intense pang of guilt in his chest.  _Rick may kill me yet_ , he thought. He reached out, touching her shoulder.

"Devin?" he said softly, shaking her shoulder gently. She stirred, her eyes opening. "It's noon. You should come down, try to eat something."

She looked up at him, her eyes at first drowsy and disoriented. She reached up to rub her eyes, hissing in pain.

"Ow, ow," she stopped rubbing immediately, her hand over her eye. "I forgot."

"Come on, I'll find something cold to put on it if you come down and eat," he said. She got up, walking over to the cell sink, looking at herself in the mirror over it. She gasped, gently touching around the bruised eye. He stood in the middle of the cell, feeling lame and helpless. He wanted to go to her, pull her in his arms and tell her everything would be ok, that he loved her. But he also knew that he was at the heart of everything hurting her.

"Damn," she said softly. "You throw a good punch, I'll give you that." He felt sick.

"I'm sorry, Devin," he said, sounding in his own ears as stupid and weak as he felt. "I'm sorry for everything." She didn't say anything, her eyes refusing to meet his. "Please come eat. I promise, I'll let you have your space. But you need your strength." She nodded.

* * *

Devin sat at one of the cafeteria tables. She tried to eat, but she could feel everyone looking at her, wondering if they should come talk to her or leave her alone. She looked around cautiously, when she caught Rick's eye. All of the strength and will she'd conjured the day before to stand up to him had left her. She felt weak and hoped he'd just leave her alone.

"Devin?" Rick said, sitting down beside her.  _No such luck_ , she thought. She didn't answer him, didn't even look over. "Devin, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for yesterday." She still wouldn't look at him. "I never dreamed you would show up with him." She frowned.  _This isn't about me at all_ , she thought.  _He'd written me off. This is about Shane._

* * *

Shane stood back, holding the cold, wet cloth. It was the closest thing to an ice pack they had. He was on his way back to her when he saw Rick sitting next to her. He froze, watching them.

* * *

Rick reached for his sister's hand, when he noticed the ring on it. Third finger of her left hand, a sparkling light blue stone, flanked on either side by clear stones, in a silver-toned band. His eyes widened, then narrowed. He looked up at her, finding her looking back at him for the first time since he'd sat down.

"What's this?" he asked, pointing to the ring.

"Shane gave it to me," she said.

"You really think you love him?" Rick asked. She looked back at her plate. "You've known him your whole life, you know what he's like." Tears welled in her eyes.

"I thought I knew you, too," she said.

"You know I love you, you're my sister," he said desperately. She looked over at him, tears running down her cheeks.

"You left me," she said. "I came all the way to Atlanta, by myself, to find you, Rick."

"We came back, Devin," he said pleadingly. "I thought you were with us and when we realized you weren't, we came back at first light. I promise."

"And when you didn't find me?" she asked. He faltered then, looking away. She nodded, turning away from him. "Right, that's kind of what I thought," she said. "You see, Rick, I didn't give up on you. Ask Lori, ask Shane. I didn't believe it when they said you were gone. Morgan said he'd seen you, and I just felt it."

"I have a family, Devin," he said. "Lori and Carl, they needed me and I needed to find a safe place for them."

"Shane did the same when you weren't here," she said, getting up. "Only, he included me in the equation." She dumped the trash from her tray and walked out of the cafeteria.

* * *

Devin sat on the bunk in her and Shane's cell.  _Shane never gave up on me, not once_ , she thought.  _He's watched out for me and kept me alive this whole time. And I do love him, I do._  She leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees, holding her face in her hands. The tears that'd began when she was talking to Rick continued.  _But what if it's his baby?_  She thought of her place in it's life, if Shane was the father. It didn't really matter, there was no way to know for sure anymore, not to mention Lori and Rick would raise it as theirs regardless. But knowing that, if she considered herself married to Shane, she would simultaneously be it's aunt and...stepmother?  _Backwoods of Georgia, that's us_ , she thought.

Shane came up to their cell, bringing the cold, wet cloth to her. He'd watched Devin talk to Rick, saying things that appeared to take him by surprise, even make him shrink away from her at times. He didn't know what was said, but he knew when she left him sitting at the cafeteria table, tears in her eyes, Rick looked lost and upset. He stood outside the door of their cell, observing her. She sat hunched over, her face in her hands, clearly upset and still crying. Though afraid she might lash out at him, he entered the cell.

"Dev?" he said. She jumped, her hands quickly wiping her face.

"You scared me," she said. He smiled slightly.

"Sorry, didn't mean to," he said. He looked at her, her face flushed in splotches, her eyes wet with tears.  _And her poor eye_ , he thought, guilt echoing in his heart. He knelt in front of her, placing the cloth over her bruised eye, holding it there. She sighed, placing her hand over his.

He saw that she was still wearing the ring he'd given her. He reached over with his free hand and wiped the tears from her cheek.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked softly. She looked at him, then shrugged, looking away. "I still love you, Devin. I know all this isn't easy, but how I feel hasn't changed." She pulled the hand holding the cloth against her eye away, but didn't push at him or tell him to go. Fresh tears lined her eyes as she chewed her lip.

"H-He left me," she said, her voice breaking. "I c-came for him, I came all the way from school by myself looking for Rick."

"I remember," he said.

"And he left me," she said softly. The heartbreak in her voice made him ache, so much that he took her hands and pulled her up with him.

"Come on, put your arms around me," he said, pulling her to him tentatively. She hesitated, but found that she couldn't help herself. Shane had become her soft place to fall, her proverbial rock. She hugged herself to him, her head finding its place against his shoulder. "'s alright," he said quietly, his hands stroking her back.

* * *

Lori'd made her way up to Shane and Devin's cell, hoping to find her alone. Rick told her about his conversation with Devin, about how upset she was. She knew that the younger woman had taken another couple of shocks.

As she approached the cell, she heard Devin and Shane talking quietly. She realized that Devin was crying and she peered inside so as not to be seen. Shane held Devin in his arms, her own arms wrapped around him as well. She leaned her head against his shoulder, turned to the side so she could still speak. Lori saw the tears in her eyes and on her cheeks. She saw Shane wipe them away, holding her tenderly, pressing kisses to her forehead and hair.

"He hates me now," Devin said.

"He doesn't hate you," Shane said. "He hates me. You should probably hate me too." She shrugged, still holding onto him.

"Well I don't," she said.

"Do you hate Rick?" he asked. She thought for a moment.

"No," she said. "It just h-hurts." Lori heard the break in her voice, saw the way Shane held her tighter.  _He's gotten her to talk about her feelings, expressing her emotions_ , Lori thought.  _I've never seen her so, human. Rational, but human._

"I know it does," he whispered. Just then, Lori caught his eye. He tried to keep Devin from noticing, hoping that Lori would go away so he could continue to help Devin calm down. But he felt her stiffen in his arms and knew she'd seen her too. She pulled back, wiping her eyes.

"I just came to check on her," Lori said, entering the cell.

"I'm fine," Devin said, trying to pretend like she hadn't been crying.

"Rick told me that you talked to him," Lori said. Shane backed away, not leaving, but uncomfortable under the awkwardness.  _Goddamn soap opera_ , he thought.

"I don't really feel like talking about it, Lori," Devin said. Lori looked over at Shane, then back at Devin.

"You'll talk about it to him, but not family? Your brother loves you-"

"Don't talk to me about family," Devin said. Shane'd never heard such venom in her voice, ever. "We both know I'm not part of your family. I see that now."

"How can you say that?"

"How can I not? Rick would hardly look at me when we came through those gates. He wouldn't look at me, he wouldn't listen to me," Devin said. "Look, I'm not stupid, I know there's a good chance that's Shane's baby. And I can make peace with that. But Rick?" Devin shook her head. "Rick didn't see me. He only saw him." She said, pointing to Shane.

"He's just upset, he'll come around-"

"He's upset?!" Devin raised her voice.

"Come on, stop it," Shane said. "Look, we're all tense and irritated at each other and rehashing it isn't helping." Lori backed away, Devin taking a breath. Lori walked out of the cell, leaving Shane and Devin alone.


	20. Chapter 20

**Just a cool little thing, I got to see Papa Roach perform the acoustic version of Scars live over the weekend before I wrote this chapter (which by now, you all know is part of the inspiration for this story). I remember the first time I realized the song reminded me of Shane's struggle and how much I wanted to see if I could make it better for him, at least in my story/mind. It was cool to hear/see the song live and it re-enforced my love for this story. Hope you all are enjoying it so far!**

* * *

_...I can't help you fix yourself, b_ _ut at least I can say I tried..._

* * *

Shane lay on his side on the bunk, his back against the wall, his arms crossed over his chest. Devin approached quietly. She managed to wriggle onto the bunk with him, laying on her side, facing him.  _I love this man_ , she thought. She reached out, brushing his hair back with her fingers. She leaned in, touching her lips to his. He didn't wake, so she did it again, this time actually letting herself feel his lips against hers. He woke, drawing in a startled breath. She stopped, opening her eyes, backing up slightly.

Shane searched her eyes, her face.

"Am I dreaming?" he asked. She shook her head.

"No," she said. She leaned in again, brushing her lips against his. He wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her closer. She broke the kiss, leaning her forehead against his. "I love you, Shane," she managed to say. He pulled back, looking down into her bright blue eyes.

"You do?" he asked. She bit her lip, looking down. She nodded. He held her fiercely. She held onto him, running her hand through the hair at his nape. "I'm sorry I hurt you. Devin, I'm so sorry," he said, his voice rough.

"I'm ok," she said.

"Tell me something," he said. She looked up at him. "You said, before I found you back at the farm, you were ready to kill yourself. Did you mean that?" he asked. Her eyes dropped from his. She played with the 22 pendant on his necklace. He already knew the answer before she nodded. "It would've killed me," he said.

"I thought you were gone," she said, her eyes meeting his again. "And I didn't think you were coming back."

"If you'd just admitted you had feelings for me, I never would've left," he said.

"I was afraid of you," she said. His eyebrows raised. "I was a virgin, Shane. Completely inexperienced, I had no idea how to even try to be in a relationship. You came onto me in Herschel's bathroom and-" She stopped, her eyes dropping from his again.

"And what?" he asked. She swallowed, her eyes darting to his, then back down.

"It was my first kiss, Shane," she said.

"What?" he asked, sure he couldn't have heard that right.

"I'd never kissed anyone before that," she said. The embarrassed flush in her neck and cheeks told him she was telling the truth.

"Jesus, Devin," he said. He thought of how he'd behaved in the bathroom, when she'd asked him to check her back for walker marks. "I'm sorry, Jesus, I'm sorry," he said, suddenly feeling like something akin to a predator. In body, Devin was a beautiful 22-year-old woman. In experience and sometimes, even in mindset, she was much younger. Her intelligence and ability to adapt made up for it. But she had still been a virgin - and had never been kissed - when they began to have feelings for each other.

"You don't have to be sorry," she said. "You just have more, experience, than I do. I didn't even know how to express how I felt for you. I still don't sometimes."

"You stickin' by me, after comin' here and realizin' that Lori is pregnant, maybe with my," he had to stop himself. "That speaks volumes. And then I bruised your poor eye." He shook his head. She shrugged again.

"I just love you, Shane," she said.

"Brute ass that I am," he said.

"You've been kinder and gentler with me than most people have been my whole life," she said.

"I love you," he said, taking her hand from his chest, looking at the ring he'd given her, still there on the third finger of her left hand. He'd half-expected, after everything with Rick and Lori, she wouldn't openly wear it. But she'd kept it on, in the same spot, for anyone to see. "I didn't know I could love someone this much."

"Me either," she said.

* * *

Over the next few days, Devin and Shane settled into their cell. They'd created a makeshift bed. The cot Shane'd been sleeping on was just about the same height as the bunk and he'd pushed it against the bunk. With a couple of mattress pads, blankets and pillows, they almost had a real bed fit for two. Their cell wasn't barred, but had solid walls and a door with a small square window. Devin'd covered the window with paper, affording them all the privacy she could. They weren't an overly sexually active couple, but she still didn't like the idea of Rick or, god forbid, Carl walking up to the door and seeing them making love.

Devin laid on the bunk side of the bed, on her side, facing the wall. Shane laid behind her, asleep on his back on the cot side of the bed. He'd been helping a lot with the burning of walkers and heavy-lifting jobs and was often dead on his feet when he came up for the night. Devin had been wanting to make love with Shane again, for the first time since leaving the hotel. Her body craved his, his hands, the way he'd touched her. Sex still intimidated her, but he'd been so good to her the first time, she knew there was really nothing to be afraid of with him. But he was fast asleep, and she didn't have the heart to try and wake him up. So she slid her hand down the front of her panties, knowing she could get her release on her own.

"Mmm," she groaned, trying to be quiet. She gently parted herself and found her clit. She remembered how he'd touched her, gently circling it with his broad fingertips. She mimicked what she could remember, her eyes falling closed. She thought of how he'd moved, holding her on his lap, instructing her how and when to move until she got the hang of it. She felt herself become wetter, the lips of her opening becoming increasingly sensitive and receptive to her own touch. She thought of how he'd played with her breasts, how surprisingly good that felt. "Mmm, Shane," she whispered, just a little too loud.

"Hnnn," Shane stirred behind her. "Devin?" She froze. He turned onto his side, sliding up behind her. "You say something, darlin'?" he asked sleepily. She didn't answer, but he wrapped an arm around her, feeling for her hand. She tried to move her hand away from herself, but she was too late. He realized where her hand was and leaned up suddenly, looking down at her in the dark. She flushed, embarrassed. "Jesus, Devin."

"I didn't mean to wake you up," she said. He slid his hand down over hers, just above her panties, and felt the wetness on her fingers.  _Dear god_ , he thought. "You've been so tired, I know you've been working hard during the day," she said. He felt guilt pang in his heart.

"Sweetheart, if you want to make love, just tell me," he said, nuzzling her throat. "I'll find the strength, trust me." The playfulness in his voice made her smile. She pushed his hand down where her's had been. "Damn, woman," he groaned, cupping her in his hand. She leaned back against him, arching against his hand. "How long were you diddling yourself before I woke up?" he asked. He could tell by her silence that she didn't know what to say.  _She's probably bright pink right now_ , he thought. "That's sexy as hell, by the way." He pressed two fingers inside her, using his thumb to stimulate her clit.

"I-I don't think anyone has e-ever called me sexy," she said, trying to keep her thoughts coherent as he touched her.

"That's what you are," he rasped, his free hand sliding up her sleep shirt to fondle her breasts, unhindered by a bra at night. "All goddamn curves and pretty long hair. And to think of you laying here, touching yourself," he grazed her nape with his teeth, flicking his thumb back and forth over her clit. He grabbed for her hand and brought it back behind her, pushing it down over the front of his boxer briefs, pressing her hand to his swelling erection. She didn't gasp or flinch this time, instead choosing to stroke him tentatively through his underwear. She was still unsure in her touch, but he could tell she was trying.  _She wants to please me just as much as she wants to be pleased_ , he thought. The realization undid him. He removed his hand from her, jerking her panties down, raising up to slide them down her legs and off. He removed his own underwear quickly. She tried to turn, but he held her facing the wall. "Let's try it like this," he whispered in her ear. Her heart pounded nervously, but she nodded.

"Ok," she said. He slid down a bit, lifting her top leg and bringing it slightly back to rest on his top thigh. He bent her forward a little, then took his cock in his hand. He teased her with it, stroking the tip against the length of her opening. She whimpered softly. "Shane, please," she whispered. A beat later, he entered her in one thick, pleasure consuming stroke. She moaned and he quickly reached up, covering her mouth with his hand.

"Shh shh shh," he whispered in her ear, chuckling. "Gotta be quiet, darlin'." She nodded in understanding. He took his hand away from her mouth. He slid back, nearly coming out of her, then slid forward, filling her again. She sighed, pushing herself back on him, taking him deeper. "You're so goddamn wet," he panted, fighting the urge to speed up, to be rougher with her. He didn't want to scare or overwhelm her.

"Does it feel good?" she whispered. He'd said it with such vehemence that she was unsure of whether it was a good thing or a bad thing.

"You have no idea how good," he answered, sliding back and forth slowly. Her own movements, though still unsure, complimented his. "'s it," he rasped as his hand slid down to where they were joined. His fingers found her clit easily, massaging the area with his three middle fingers in broad, circular strokes. She ground herself against his fingers, whimpering.

"More, please more," she whispered, pressing her hand over his between her legs, pushing back against him.

"You love it, don't you?" he asked. She nodded. He drew back, then pushed forward with a little more quickness and force than he had been. She bit her lips, trying not to moan. She reached behind her with her free hand, grasping his hip, encouraging him.

"Sh-Shane," she sobbed as he did it again.

"You should've told me you wanted this, babe," he rasped in her ear. It was sensation overload for her. He was simultaneously thrusting inside her, his big body sliding back and forth behind her, his fingers playing with her clit, his breath on her neck and his lips brushing her ear. She'd never thought of herself as an overly sexual person. She touched herself when she needed the release, but even that was only occasionally necessary. But this, this thing with him, making love with him, was something she'd come to crave.

"I guess I didn't know how," she panted.

"We're gonna have to work on that," he joked. She smiled, biting her lip. His free arm wrapped around her just under her breasts, anchoring her to him as he continued to thrust back and forth within her. He cupped her breast with his hand gently, flicking his thumb over her nipple in time with the other hand stimulating her clit.

"Oh, oh, I'm, I think I'm, oh my god," she whimpered, writhing in his arms.

"Say it," he growled in her ear.

"C-Coming, I'm coming," she groaned softly, grinding herself between his cock and his hand. He continued with his pace, even as she spasmed around him, her smooth inner muscles clenching around him tight. She wriggled her hips, stimulating herself on his cock, drawing out the sweetest aftershocks she'd ever felt. "Come, come with me," she whispered. He wrapped both of his arms around her waist and began thrusting again. Only harder and quicker. She felt the tension in his arms, felt him press his forehead against her back between her shoulder blades.

"Fuck, oh fuck," he groaned. The way he was moving drew out her aftershocks, making her continue to spasm around him inside of her. She felt him grip her tightly around the waist, felt his teeth sink into her shoulder, firmly but not breaking the skin. She felt him moan into her skin as he came, shoving himself erratically into her for the last few thrusts. She felt the tension slowly leave his arms, felt him release her shoulder from his mouth. He withdrew from her, and she turned to face him. He pulled her into his arms, kissing her, her mouth, her cheeks, her hair. She wrapped her arms around his waist, letting him kiss her, loving the tenderness.

"You're shaking," she said, noting the distinct tremor in his arms and hands. He laughed softly.

"You're not the only one who wanted that," he said.

"I'm sorry," she said. He cupped her face.

"Don't you dare be sorry," he said. "You're probably one of the best things that ever happened to me." He kissed her once, hoping she had some idea of the magnitude of his love for her. "I'd go without it if it meant keeping you by my side."

"I don't see that happening," she said. He laughed.

"We're definitely going to have to work on our communication for it, though," he said. "Much as I'd love to watch you touch yourself." She blushed, glad he couldn't see.

"You're better at it," she said.


	21. Chapter 21

_...I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life, I can't help you fix yourself..._

* * *

Maggie held the baby girl in her arms, Lori's blood still covering her hands and arms. Devin'd heard the gunshot. She knew Lori hadn't made it. Rick reeled in his fresh grief. Carl looked lost. Tears streamed down Maggie's face. Devin left her place beside Shane, going to Maggie.

"I'll take her, Maggie, go get cleaned up," Devin said. Maggie carefully shifted the baby into Devin's arms.

Shane stood away from them, feeling lost and anxious.  _This is my fault_ , he thought. Tears welled in his eyes as he avoided eye contact with the three Grimes'.  _This is all my fault._  He knew in his gut that the baby was his. He and Lori carried on too much before Rick showed up alive for it to be any other way. There was a chance the baby was Rick's, but chances were greater that she wasn't. Shane braced himself for Rick to lash out at him, should he feel the need.

Devin held the baby, coming to Carl's side. She held the baby girl in the crook of one arm and put her free arm around Carl's shoulders. She thought he might shove away from her, and braced herself for it. But he didn't. He leaned against her, pressing his face against her shoulder.  _He's getting so big,_  she thought.  _When all of this started, he wasn't tall enough to rest his head against my shoulder_. Her heart ached for how fast he'd had to grow up.

Rick looked over at Devin, holding both the baby and Carl. He felt like a child again himself. As kids, she'd always looked to him for strength and stability, for her example of how to act. But the truth was, when he was feeling low, her specific brand of logic and rationality gave him solid ground to stand on. He started towards her, when he saw Shane out of the corner of his eye. Rick stopped, looking at him. Shane's eyes darted from the ground to Rick, then away again, shrinking away from his best friend. Rick reached for his gun.  _He's going to kill me_ , Shane thought.

"Rick, don't you dare!" Devin cried out.

"Take them inside, Devin," Rick said. Her eyes widened in disbelief.

"No-"

"TAKE THEM INSIDE!" Rick shouted at her. She jumped, Carl burying his face deeper against her shoulder. The baby girl fussed in her arms.

"Your kids can hear you. They can see you," she said.

"She," Rick pointed to the baby. "She isn't mine, and we all know it."

"I don't care who's she is, you are not going to cause more death today." She said. Rick took his hand off his gun, coming to her. He put his hand on Carl's shoulder, trying to lead him away from Devin.

"No," Carl sobbed, his voice muffled against Devin's shoulder. Rick's hand dropped away, his eyes lost and distraught.

"Go with your daddy, Carl," she said. But he clung to her. "I'll be right here if you need me, but you have to go with your dad." Carl let go of her reluctantly. Devin went to hand the baby to Rick. But Rick shied away from her. "Rick, she's your daughter." But Rick shook his head.

"I can't," he said. He walked away from her and the baby, Carl following him.

Shane couldn't believe Rick had walked away from the baby. He'd taken such good care of Lori during her pregnancy, despite their distance. But watching him take Carl inside, leaving the infant girl in Devin's arms, he felt like he no longer knew Rick at all.

* * *

Devin sat in their cell, just finishing feeding the baby from the little bit of formula Glenn found on a run a while back. Shane stood in the doorway.

"How's she doing?" he asked hesitantly.

"Hungry," Devin answered. "We're gonna need more formula really soon." He approached tentatively.

"Didn't know you were good with kids," he said. She kept her eyes on the baby.

"Don't really have a choice at the moment," she said. "Rick won't even look at her."

"Do you think she's his?" he asked. Devin looked up at him, then back down at the infant. She shook her head.

"No, she has brown eyes," Devin said. Shane sat down next to her, looking over at the baby. Her little eyes were open, looking around at a world that wasn't quite focused for her yet. Her eyes were as brown as his. Tears well in his eyes.

"S-She does," he said.

"Do you want to hold her?" He hesitated, then nodded. She eased the baby into his arms.

"She's so small," he said, fighting tears that were already leaking from his eyes. The infant looked up at him, and he wondered what she could see, how much she could understand. Before he could stop himself, he leaned down and pressed a kiss to her forehead. "I'm sorry, baby girl, I'm so sorry."

Devin sat watching Shane hold the baby, so small in his arms, against his body. Tears rolled down his cheeks as he held her, knowing that she was his.  _There's no doubt in my mind. Lori wanted her to be Rick's, but she's just not_. The thought of her brother walking away, not so much as wanting to look at the newborn, made her shiver with mixed sadness and anger. And yet, a man they'd both wanted to throw away and forget about held the little girl, apologizing to little ears that couldn't even comprehend what he was saying. A part of the Rick she thought she knew died in her heart as she sat on the cell floor with Shane and the baby. She took a handkerchief from her pocket and wiped the tears from his face.

"How the hell am I gonna take care of a baby?" Shane asked.

"I'm sure you'll have help. I don't really know what I'm doing, but I'm sure Carol and Herschel will help, maybe Beth and Maggie," she said. "No one wants to see this baby hurt or mistreated, Shane."

"I'm not so sure about that," he said.

"Rick's just hurt. He lost Lori today. And Carl, Jesus, poor Carl," she said. "Rick might be upset, but he wouldn't hurt a child."

"He walked away from her," Shane said, the muscles in his jaw tensing.

"You didn't."

"You'll help me?" he asked, looking up at her with the most unsure eyes she'd ever seen in him. She scooted over beside him, putting her arm around his back.

"I wouldn't be much of a wife if I didn't," she said.


	22. Chapter 22

_...but at least I can say I tried, I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life..._

* * *

"You're going with them?" Devin asked, sitting up on the bunk. She'd been resting while Beth took care of the baby. Shane was putting a bag together with a couple of his guns and some ammo.

"We won't be long, Glenn says he knows where to find more of the formula," Shane answered, avoiding looking at her. She wiped her sleep-heavy eyes, trying to summon the will to talk him out of it.

"We need you here," she said. "Rick hasn't been near himself since the baby was born."

"I think that's all the more reason for me to go." When she didn't answer, he turned to her. She was still sitting on the bunk, her hands on either side of her knees. She looked tired, exhausted even. Both of them were. She was chewing her lip. "Ain't you gonna fight with me about this? 'can tell you want to." His joke fell flat, and he realized she was fighting back tears.  _She looks just like she did when I gave her my last granola bar_ , he thought. He came to her, kneeling in front of her.

* * *

_I'm exhausted_ , she thought, watching him put his bag together.  _I'm so damn tired and I wish we'd just stayed at that little hotel forever. Why couldn't we just stay there and be rested and fed and happy?_  She knew how foolish it was to think they could've maintained a life there. She knew how selfish it was to even think of wanting to keep Shane from the baby, or herself from her family.

Shane'd made his joke, trying to get her to talk, or smile, or whatever he was trying to achieve when he made little jokes like that. But she was so far from happiness that it hurt. And now here he was, kneeling before her, his hands on her knees.  _He knows_ , she thought.  _He can always tell._

"Talk to me," he said.

"I guess I don't h-have anything to say," she said.  _How do I tell him I'm terrified of the person he fought so hard to help me find?_

* * *

Shane watched the tears well, watched her fight them, trying so hard to be brave. He reached up, pushing her hair from her face.

"It's just like at the hotel, Dev, I'll be back as soon as I can be," he said. Her face fell, her eyes closing, forcing the tears down her cheeks. "Honey, talk to me."

"I'm scared," she whispered.

"What are you scared of, Devin?" She fought to stifle sobs, wiping her tears with the edge of her sleeve.

"Rick," she said, her voice so low and small, if he didn't know her so well, he might not have heard her. Shane moved to sit beside her on the bunk, pulling her against his side.

"Why are you scared of Rick?" he asked patiently.

"Because he h-hates me," she said. He went to stop her, but she continued on. "And he hates you, and the baby. He's not like he used to be and it scares me."

"I don't think he hates you," he said. "I think he's grieving, and he's hurt. But I don't think he has it in him to hate you. Me, maybe. But not you, Dev." He rocked her for a few minutes, letting her cry, then calm down. "Look, I think you're right about Rick hating me. But that's why I have to go with Glenn and Maggie. I have to get out of his sight, at least for a little while. He won't hurt you or the baby. We both know that." She pulled back, wiping her face. She nodded.

"I'm sorry," she said. "You're right. I'm just, so tired." He looked over at her exhausted, tear-reddened face, making her appear older than she was.

"I know you are," he said. "I am too. Let me go and find what we need. Carol and Beth will help with the baby 'til I get back."

"We need to pick a name," she said. He looked over at her and she immediately heard what she'd said over again in her head. "I mean you, you need to pick a name for her."

"No," he said, taking her hand. "We. We need to."

"She's not mine, Shane," she said, squirming uncomfortably.

"If I'm her daddy and you're supposed to be my wife, what do you think that makes you to her?" he asked, that old, joking tone in his voice. She couldn't help but crack a smile. "There she is," he said, leaning in to kiss her cheek. "Start thinking of names while I'm gone, Mrs. Walsh."

* * *

Devin sat on the cot, which she'd pushed against the far wall in her and Shane's cell. She held the baby girl in her arms. Carol'd helped her bathe the infant, so she was clean and Devin'd fed her a little bit ago. She looked down at the little girl. She heard a knock at the open door and jumped slightly, though not waking the baby. It was Carl.

"Can I come in?" he asked. She nodded. "I wanted to see you. And her." He came over and sat gingerly on the cot next to her.

"Does your dad know you're up here?" The boy looked up at her.

"She's my sister, I have a right to see her."  _I wish your dad still felt that way for me_ , she thought. "How is she?" Devin nodded.

"Well. She seems normal. Healthy. Carol says she's bigger than she remembers Sophia being at her age." She felt Carl tense at the mention of his lost friend. "I'm sorry, Carl. I didn't think about that before I said it." He looked up at her, shrugging.

"It's ok."

"You want to hold her?" she offered. He nodded, his face lighting up at the suggestion. Devin carefully shifted the baby girl into her older brother's arms. He held her, his arms locked with fear of jarring her or, god forbid, dropping her. She watched him study her.

"She looks like Shane," he said. Her heart pounded, unsure of what to say.

"I'm so sorry, Carl," Devin said, putting her arm around the boy. He shrugged slightly.

"Maybe he'll be a better dad than mine is being," he said. His words stuck in her heart.

"Carl, listen to me, you're daddy is hurting. He's processing a lot right now and, I know he isn't coping well," she said. "But he loves you. More than anything-"

"He was going to kill Shane," Carl said. "And he turned his back on you and her. How can you defend him?"

"Because he's my brother and I love him. Just like I think you probably love her," Devin said. Carl looked back at the baby in his arms.

* * *

Rick was standing outside the cell, listening to Devin and Carl. He'd had every intention of interrupting them, every intention of making Carl leave the cell. But hearing her, his own baby sister, defending his actions, irrational though they were, weakened his resolve.

"What are you and Shane gonna name her?" Carl asked.

"I don't know. Shane told me to start thinking about names, but," she paused. He looked up at her and she shrugged. "I have no clue. I don't know how to name a baby." He looked back at the baby. "Got any ideas?" Carl thought for a minute, looking at her as he did.

"I had this teacher, before the world ended, and I always liked her name, Judith," he said. He looked up at his aunt, and suddenly, he didn't seem too old to still be a child. It melted her heart. She nodded.

"I like it. I'll run it by Shane when he gets back." She saw movement in the doorway, both her and Carl looking up. Her heart froze. It was Rick.

"Carl, go on and see if Herschel needs help out in the yard," Rick said. Carl carefully gave the baby back to Devin.

"Let me know if he likes it, the name I mean," Carl said to her. Devin nodded.

"I will. Go on now," she said. Carl went out around his father, but Rick lingered in the doorway. Devin stood, nestling the infant in the makeshift crib beside the bunk. She then stood, looking at Rick, her arms folded over her chest.

"You seem so different," he said.

"So do you," she said, trying to hide her fear, the fact that she was trembling.

"I heard what you told Carl. I heard all of it." She watched him struggle with his words, like she so often did. "I need you right now, Devin. I know I'm being a shitty father and a shitty brother right now. But I need you to help me." She watched the tears well in his eyes, sensing the tide of emotions in her brother. She came to him, putting her arms around him. Rick had always been one of the only people she felt comfortable showing emotion and emotional love to. "I'm just lost. I'm so lost, Devin." He sobbed, wrapping his arms around her.

"I know," she said. "I'm still mad at you, but I love you, Rick. You're the only reason I came this far. I'd have been dead a long time ago if I hadn't come looking for you in the first place."

"Something about you now makes me doubt that," he said. She pulled back, holding him by the shoulders.

"I know you're grieving. And I know you think it's all Shane's fault. But I love him. And I'm not going to stop loving him. If you want me around, you're going to have to work on accepting that. You chose your family when I needed you. Please don't make me choose mine."


	23. Chapter 23

...I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut, my weakness is that I care too much...

Glenn, Maggie and Shane finally returned.

"Devin? Where is she, where's Devin and the baby?" Shane felt panicked.

"Upstairs in your cell," Rick said. Later, Shane would remember and register that it had been Rick who'd pointed him in her direction, but at the moment, he just needed to see them.

Devin held the baby, feeding her for the last time that evening when the cell door swung open. She whirled around, startled.

"Shane," she gasped. He was dirty and bruised, his eyes frantic. He came to them, putting his arms around both of them. "What happened to you?" Devin asked, cradling the baby in one arm, the other hugging Shane to her side.

"Jesus Christ, I'm so glad to see you," he said. His heart began to settle, both of his girls in his sight and arms again.

Shane stood under the hot spray of the shower, willing the water to wash away all of the anxiety and fear he'd been feeling while being held captive at Woodbury. All those awful things Merle'd implied...

Merle dragged a chair in front of the one he had Shane bound to.

"Tell me something, Officer Shane? Whatever happened to that little retarded girl, used to keep pretty close to you back at the camp?" Merle asked, sitting in front of him. "Rick's sister? Pretty little thing." Shane held the older man's gaze. Merle saw the angry flush creeping up his neck. "And since your friend Rick obviously came back, took his wife back, I presume, I bet you moved right in on her. What was her name? Devin?" Shane said nothing, even though hearing her name on his lips, the way he was talking about her, made Shane want to rip him apart. "You seem like the kind of guy to fuck his best friend's wife and when he comes home, move onto the sister." Merle lifted the blade on his arm to Shane's neck. "Tell me something, officer? You pop the girl's cherry? Could tell she was a virgin. All I had to do was look at her and talk nice to her and she blushed like a spring rose." Merle watched the muscles in Shane's jaw tick. "How'd she compare to Mrs. Grimes?" Shane wanted to tear the older man's throat out with his bare hands. "Little chink in the other room had his girl with him. Where's Devin, Shane? She dead? She with her brother and the others? You tell me and I promise, I won't share her with the Governor." The thought of Devin in this place, with men like Merle and the so-called Governor made him feel unhinged.

"Go to hell," he spat. Merle laughed.

"Oh yeah, she's alive," Merle said. "Got that imagination of yours all fired up. That's the thing about you cops. You know exactly what the world is capable of doing to girls like your Devin. Especially this world."

When he was finished, he shut the water off and dried off, putting on clean clothes for the first time in days. His body felt tired, his face sore with the bruises incurred at Woodbury. He made his way up to Devin and his cell.

Shane was holding the baby in his arms when Devin came into their cell. She'd gone down to the kitchen to get him something to eat. But she stopped in the doorway.

Shane was holding the little girl, his large arms encircling the small being. He was silent, but when Devin entered the room, he looked up and she saw the tears in his eyes and on his cheeks. She put the plate of food on the cot, coming to sit next to him on the bunk. He reached for her, pulling her to his side. She wrapped her arms around him, resting her head on his shoulder. She felt him shudder, heard him swallow a whimper. "Shane-"

"Just hold me," he said, his voice rough with emotion. And she obeyed, her embrace tightening around him best she could. She's so much smaller than me, he thought, feeling her trying to hold him reassuringly. He wasn't sure what the Governor had done to Maggie, but just thinking of what the men of authority in that camp were capable of, it made him nauseous to think of her there, or god forbid... "I was so worried about you and h-her," he said thickly. You're the only one looking out for them, he thought. Rick left her back at the farm, and he turned his back on the baby right after she was born, do you really think he'd have protected them if Merle or the Governor came?

"We were here the whole time and I never let her out of my sight. You and Maggie and Glenn were the ones in danger," she said. He felt her smoothing one of her hands over his back, trying to soothe him the same way he did for her when she was upset.

"We need to get out of here," he said. "You, me and the baby, we have to leave, get as far away as we can." She pulled back slightly, looking up at him.

"What happened out there?" He shifted the baby to her, and she put her in the crib next to the bunk. She then brought the plate of food to him, sitting down beside him.

"I'm not really hungry," he said.

"When's the last time you ate something?" He looked over at her. She was right, he needed to eat. And sleep. But everything in his body and soul screamed for him to gather their things and take off. "You look terrified and it's scaring me." He sighed. Get a grip, Walsh, he thought. He picked up the sandwich and took a bite, which set off a chain reaction because before he knew it, he'd eaten the whole sandwich and everything else on the plate.

"I guess I didn't realize how hungry I was," he said, trying to lighten the mood between them. He could tell by her eyes that she didn't fully buy it. She was watching him carefully.

"What happened out there, Shane? Why do you want us to take off?"

"We, we were out, trying to find supplies and we came upon this camp," he started. "Remember that place on the map, Woodbury?" She nodded. "It's a camp now, like here, like Herschel's farm was. Only, the people, they're not like us. Not the people in charge, anyway. Merle was there-"

"Merle?!"

"Shh," he said. "I don't know if we should tell Daryl. This place, Devin, this place is scary. Merle, he, he's not a good guy." She nodded. He'd never been directly mean or nasty to her, but he definitely made her uncomfortable. "And there's the guy in charge, I never got his name, but they kept calling him the Governor." She frowned. "I know how it sounds, but this guy, the Governor, and Merle, and the others in charge," he willed himself to be honest. She has to know, he thought. To understand, she has to know. "They held me and Glenn and Maggie. Beat the hell out of me and Glenn. And the Governor, he, he did things to Maggie. I don't know for sure, but he, he had her alone and," he remembered the Governor bringing her into the room with him and Glenn, remembered the frightened look in her eyes, remembered the absence of her shirt. "I don't know what happened, but he scared the hell out of her."

"Why would they do that? You all were just out for a supply run," she said.

"Devin, Merle knew us. He told the Governor and I don't think this Governor is the kind of guy who likes the idea of not being in charge of everything, in control. He doesn't like the idea of a separate camp so close to his, with stronger boundaries and possibly stronger people. Merle told him about Rick," he explained. "About how Rick left him on that rooftop in Atlanta. We're not the good guys in their minds. They tortured us to try and find out where we are."

"Do they know?"

"Yes," he said. "They threatened to kill Glenn, so Maggie told." Devin turned to face forward, digesting the information. "We have to go, Devin. I won't stay here and put you and the baby in danger," he said. She looked up at him.

"Shane, you can't ask me to leave Carl. Or Rick," she said. Shane narrowed his eyes at the last bit.

"You and Rick kiss and makeup while I was gone?"

"He's grieving. But yes, we talked. But frankly, even if we hadn't, I can't leave him and Carl. Not with Lori gone." Shane rubbed his face with his hands.

"You can't look after everyone, Devin," he said. She turned away from him, facing forward.

"What about the group? With Rick in his condition, they need-"

"I don't care about the group. I care about you and her," he cut her off. "And if you're my wife, then you should come with me."

"Just because I'm your wife doesn't mean you get to tell me what to do," she said. "I love you. And her. But I love Rick and Carl, too." He grew increasingly frustrated with her. Shane stood up, pacing around.

"This is your flaw, you know," he said. She looked up at him, startled by the frustrated, brusque tone he took with her. "Give you any scenario and you cut through it like a knife with your logic. But throw in people you love and you won't see reason. This is where all of that brilliant brain comes undone." Her eyes dropped from his and he immediately regretted it.

"And how would you like me to be, Shane?" she asked. "Cold, heartless? Would you rather me not care about anyone?"

"That's not what I said-"

"Because the last time I held down how I felt, you left." She found the courage to meet his eyes again. "You can't ask me to be both ways and you can't call me stupid because I won't be."

"I never said you were stupid," he knelt in front of her. "But Rick is never going to look at me the same again. As much as I wish I could take back what I did with Lori, I can't. And the baby's here and it's pretty obvious she's mine. He wanted to shoot me, Devin. You saw it with your own eyes."

"I know," she said. "I know. But I can't just leave-"

"Why not?! They left you, didn't they?" he raised his voice, standing up, walking a few paces away from her. She looked over at the crib, listening for the baby to fuss. She didn't. Thank god for small favors, she thought. "You were so upset when I left about coming to look for him twice and finding that he hadn't made half that effort to find you. Can't you see that you love him far more than he loves you?" It hit her like a slap in the face. It hurt because it put words to how she'd been feeling since the world ended.

"I don't want to talk about this anymore. You're exhausted, I'm pretty tired myself," she said, desperately trying not to cry. He'd weakened her defenses, made it too easy for her to be emotional with him. And right now, he doesn't deserve to see that side, she thought. He's upset and tired and he's trying to make me feel bad for something I can't help. "Let's just get some sleep and we'll figure it out tomorrow." She laid down on the bunk, turning to face the wall. She knew he continued to stand, looking at her. She wondered if he felt bad for what he'd said.


	24. Chapter 24

...and our scars remind us that the past is real, I tear my heart open just to feel...

Devin fed the little girl, looking down at her intently. But she wasn't seeing the baby at all. As she had several times, she was replaying what Shane'd said to her the night before. Maybe he's right, she thought. Maybe my heart and emotions are crippling me. She considered it. No, your heart and your emotions are why you're here in the first place. If you didn't have them, you'd have never left school. You'd have never come looking for Rick. And then the alarming thought that'd been hanging over her since they'd left her at the farm; would Rick have ever come looking for me if I hadn't? She chewed her lip, trying to hold it together.

Shane woke slowly, happy to see that he hadn't dreamed being back at the prison. He looked over at Devin. She was holding the baby, focused on feeding her. He laid there silently, just watching her. He wondered how much he'd wounded her, how she'd processed what he'd said. He watched her struggle with whatever dialogue she had in her head. I hurt her, he thought. She's questioning everything because I couldn't just let it go and rest. He stirred, sitting up, acting like he'd only just woken. She looked up at him, then back down at the baby. He could almost hear her in her head. Just leave me alone, he could practically hear it in her voice.

"Sleep well?" he asked. She nodded. He could read her silence like she'd said something. "How's she doing this morning?" he asked.

"She's fine." Devin refused to meet his gaze.

"Devin-"

"Just stop," she said. "I have to take care of her and I don't want to be upset while I'm trying to do that." She tried to make her voice matter-of-fact, but he could hear the slight tremor. He didn't fight her.

Devin got the baby fed and Beth agreed to watch her for a while. With the baby squared away, she went down to the prison library. She'd been doing that lately, somewhat because being in there felt more like home than anything had for a long time. Mostly because she could almost count on being alone. She found the far back corner, where there was a gap between the end of a shelf and the wall. She crawled into the little corner, pulling her knees against her chest. And then, she let go and let the tears come. He thinks I'm stupid for having a heart, she thought, pressing her forehead to her knee.

"Hey Beth, did Devin say where she was going?" Shane asked.

"I think she's been going to the library," Beth said.

Shane found the library, knowing exactly what she was doing. He knew she'd gone there to be alone. It's just like the CDC, he thought. She's huddled in the back corner, probably crying to herself. He rounded the corner of the back shelf and found her, curled in the far corner, her face against her legs. She saw him and jumped.

"Damn it," she swore, wiping her eyes. "I came here to be alone."

"Devin, I'm sorry," he said. "I'm sorry I came in like that and talked to you like that." He came to her, kneeling down beside her. "I love you. I just want to keep you and the baby safe. I know Rick's your brother and I know how you feel about Carl-"

"Save it," she spat. "This is the same logic you used when you left Rick in the hospital isn't it?" His eyes widened. She stood up, and he stood, backing away from her slightly.

"You know I did everything I could. You know how scared I was-"

"You mean like you're scared now?"

"I am scared! You have no idea what it was like there. Those men are nightmares and Merle, he remembered you. The things he said, Devin, I don't think you get it," Shane said, realizing how close to pleading he was. "I just want to protect you and the baby. Keep you both safe."

"Like you kept Lori and Carl safe?" she asked. He felt like he'd been kicked in the stomach.

"You-You know I would take that back if I could. You know I hate myself for that," he said. "How can you throw that in my face? After all we've done and been through?"

"You seemed pretty content to talk about my flaws last night," she said, crossing her arms.

"I never meant to be hurtful," he said.

"Well it was," she said. Her voice shook, her tears returning. He tried to be mad at her. Her words'd hurt like hell, but watching her coil in on herself, watching her rush to wipe the tears from her cheeks, he could only see what Andrea had spoken of so long ago. About a girl with a disorder, trying her best to love him in spite of it, trying to be brave and strong for him and the situation when god knew what was going through her head. He approached her slowly, but she backed away.

"Come on, I don't want to fight. And I don't need you upset with me," he said.

"Do you really think I'm stupid for still caring about my brother?" she asked. His eyes met hers, and he saw that she was truly asking him. It made him ache, knowing how deeply he'd hurt her when he said that. He reached for her, pulling her to him. He realized, apart from holding her to his side as he held the baby, he hadn't actually held her in his arms since he'd returned. Because you're a stubborn ass who had to get his point across, regardless of her feelings, he thought.

"No, I don't," he said. "Put your arms around me. Please." She did, wrapping them around his waist. "Do you really think I scared Lori into leaving with me?" She shook her head.

"I didn't mean it," she said. "You just, you hurt me. I hit back, and that was wrong. But you scared me, talking the way you were."

"I know. And I'm sorry. I'm just scared." He held her to him, felt her nuzzle against his chest.

"I missed you," she said. "I love you, Shane."

"I love you, too."


	25. Chapter 25

_...I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut, my weakness is that I care too much..._

* * *

Shane sat in the corner of the library with her as he told her everything. About the run. About going to Woodbury, realizing it wasn't just some abandoned town. It was manned. And armed. He told her about the walls, about thinking the people inside were like them, that they were just a group of people who'd found a place to fortify and survive in. He told her how wrong they'd been. He told her about Merle, about how Merle'd remembered her from the camp, how he'd threatened Shane about her. He told her about the Governor, how he'd brought a terrified, half-clothed Maggie into the room where he and Glenn were being held. He told her about how they'd escaped, about how stupid it'd been to leave the three of them in a room together.

Devin watched his hands shake, listened to him trying to explain everything to her calmly. She heard how his voice quivered at the parts about Merle's threats, about Maggie and the Governor.

"I was so scared, Dev," he said. "I was terrified that we weren't fast enough getting back here. That they'd find the prison before we got back. That they'd be here," he stopped, looking down at his trembling hands. She reached over, holding his hands steady. They were smaller than his, but warm and somehow reassuring in the way they held his.

"They weren't," she said. He tried to discreetly wipe his tears, turning to rub his cheek against his shoulder. She saw it and crawled over in front of him, sitting between his knees. She reached in her pocket and pulled out a couple of clean tissues, leaning in to wipe his tears. "They weren't, Shane. It's okay."

"I was so worried about you and the baby," he hiccuped, trying so hard and failing to get his tears under control. "I was so scared." She scooted closer, putting her arms around him.

"We're fine," she said. "Put your arms around me." Usually, it was him telling her to do that when she was upset. Something about it comforted him, like she'd learned parts of how to love from him. He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her to him, burying his face against her shoulder. She even rocked him slightly. "We have to talk to Rick. And Daryl, we should tell him about Merle." Shane pulled back, wiping his eyes.

"Alright, but you have to promise me somethin'," he said. She looked up at him, her blues meeting his browns. There was no wall like there had been after they fought the night before. He considered it a victory. "If Rick won't listen, you and the baby have to come with me. You have to let me keep you safe." She hesitated, but then nodded. She couldn't blame him for it, and she wouldn't ever let him leave without her again.

"I promise," she said.

* * *

Shane wrung his hands as they made their way to Rick and Carl's cell. Devin thought it best to tell him about everything first before they tried to talk to Daryl and the rest of the group.  _Last time I was face to face with Rick, he tried to shoot me,_  Shane thought.  _And to tell the truth, I don't blame him. If the tables were turned..._

They came to the door of Rick's cell and Shane stood for a moment, willing himself to go in.

Rick was sitting on a cot, similar to Shane's, cleaning his Python revolver. Shane swallowed nervously as Rick looked over at them, secretly thankful that Carl wasn't in the cell. Rick looked up at Shane and Devin, his gaze questioning.

"Rick, can we, can I talk to you?" Shane asked. Rick flipped the wheel mechanism up into the body of the gun and laid it on the edge of the sink next to him. He nodded. "I need to tell you about Woodbury."

"Glenn already did," Rick said. Shane felt lost. He'd had it all laid out in his head how he was going to tell Rick about this place, about the people, about the Governor. Now he felt like a man about to make a speech without any of his notes.

"Then you know it isn't safe here," he said. Rick eyed him hard.

"What are you suggesting?"

"We have to get out of here, as soon as possible," Shane said, trying not to sound flustered or exasperated.

"We can't leave the only place we've ever had shelter and stability," Rick said. "You honestly want to take all of these people, Devin, the baby, back out on the road?"

"We aren't safe here, Rick," Shane said. "They have more people, more guns and they don't have the conscience that we do. Especially not the men in charge." Rick stood up. The proximity between the two men, the obvious tension, made Devin uneasy.

"We aren't leaving here," Rick said. "This is the safest place we've found yet."

"Did Glenn tell you what happened to Maggie? What their leader's mindset is like, what he's capable of?"

"He told me." Shane's eyes widened, and Devin saw the muscles stiffen in his shoulders and arms.

"Then you know we aren't safe here!" Shane said.

"We're safer here than we are out on the road, exposed, hungry, tired!"

"Hey, come on," Devin said. "We're trying not to cause a panic here, guys." Both men backed up from each other a bit, and Devin was surprised. The last time they'd been angry at each other, neither of them heard her and she'd ended up with a black eye.

"Why are you down here talking to me about this?" Rick asked. "Clearly, you've made your mind up." Shane looked over at Devin.

"She asked me to," Shane said. Rick looked over at his sister.

"What do you want me to do, Devin?" Rick asked.

"I think you're both right. We're safe here because of the walls and fences," she said. "We have the infirmary, we have food, water. We have the ability to protect this place pretty well, I think. But we need to have an exit plan in place, too. Because I think Shane's right. It sounds like they have more people and they are a lot more brutal." Both men looked surprised that she didn't fully side with either of them.


	26. Chapter 26

...and our scars remind us that the past is real, I tear my heart open just to feel...

Reluctantly, both men agreed with her version of what they should do. And only because she promised that if anything happened, if the Governor's people came for them, she'd take Carl and the baby and get as far away from the prison as they could. They would begin fortifying the prison fences and walls, but they also would begin packing the cars they had with some food and supplies. They would equip one in particular with baby necessities, and that would be the car Devin would use in case she had to run.

"Alright, I agree," she said. "But you both have to promise me something." They looked at each other, then back at her. "You have to promise me if things get heated, you won't hurt each other. I don't want to have to worry about you killing each other too." Shane and Rick looked at each other again.

"I promise," Shane said first, looking at her, then back at Rick. Rick nodded.

"I promise too," Rick agreed, his eyes dropping to the floor, then looking back at his sister.

Shane followed Devin back to their cell, relieving Beth of the baby. Beth settled the little girl in Shane's arms.

"She had a bottle about half an hour ago and I just changed her," Beth said.

"Thank you," Devin said.

"Anytime," the younger woman said, smiling at them before leaving. Shane sat down on the bunk, looking down at the baby girl.

"We've got to name her," he said. He looked up at Devin, some of the warmth that she loved so much back in his eyes. "Might start giving her a complex if we don't." She sat down next to him.

"Carl had an idea," she said.

"Oh yeah? Carl been up here to see her?" he asked, equally surprised and happy. She nodded.

"She's his sister, he wanted to see her." Shane nodded.

"What name did he want for her?"

"Judith. He said it was one of his teacher's names." He looked down at the little girl in his arms. "I like it. I couldn't think of any names, and once he said Judith, that's all I could see her as." Shane studied the baby, turning the name over in his head. He nodded.

"Judith, that's her name," he said. "Hey Judith." The little girl looked up at him with his eyes, sleepily, seeming to know him, know that he was her father. It made him feel all the more fierce in his need to protect her.

"She usually goes down for a nap right about now," Devin said softly. He nodded, not thinking anything of her statement until she leaned in closer to him, pressing a kiss to his the side of his neck. The realization hit him and he smiled. The slight awkwardness of her displays of affection had once made him feel oddly like he was taking advantage of her. But now, they endeared her and made him love her with an intensity that frightened him.

"If I didn't know any better, I'd think you were coming onto me," he said softly. She carefully took the baby from him, laying her in the makeshift crib.

"She really does, though," Devin said. He laughed softly. She closed the door of their cell, locking it. Shane stood up, looking over at the baby in her crib. She was already fast asleep, just like Devin said she should be. She came to him, hesitating nervously, but her face was flushed. Shane wrapped his arms around her, his mouth finding hers.

"You miss me, Dev?" She nodded, her hands on his shoulders. She broke the kiss, resting her forehead against his.

"I, I want to make love," she said, clearly making herself say the words. He smiled, both charmed and turned on.

"I think that's definitely in order," he said. "We're due for some welcome-home-sex and now some make-up-sex." His hands slipped down over her ass and she giggled softly, squirming against him. He picked her up, her legs wrapping around his waist, her arms around his neck. He came to the bunk and laid down, keeping her on top of him. He relished the feeling of her soft weight on top of him, her supple curves pressed against him.

"You always manage to say it easier and smoother than me," she said, blushing.

"You said it just fine," he said, pushing her hair back from her face. She bunched his shirt up, exposing his chest and stomach, her hands against his bare skin. And then her mouth, pressing maddening little kisses against his muscled chest. "Devin," he breathed, indulging in her kisses and her touch. Her hand slid down over the front of his pants, her palm pressing against his growing erection. "Jesus," he swore, in awe of her boldness. She huffed out a little laugh. It snapped something in him and he shifted them carefully on the small bunk, coming to rest on top of her. "Little tease," he murmured in her ear, shoving her shirt and bra up, taking her breasts in his hands. He'd almost forgotten how she felt in his hands, in his arms. And with what they were facing in the near future, he needed to remember. He flicked his thumbs over her nipples, watching as they contracted into hard little points, observing as she writhed, her back arching. "You like that, Dev?" She nodded, trying not to moan. He pinched her hardened nipples, gently plucking them and rolling them between his fingers.

"Sh-Shane, please," she whispered.

"Never met a girl who liked this this much," he said softly, leaning down. He closed his lips around her nipple and tugged on it with the hot suction of his mouth. Her fingers dug into his shoulders, her hips pushing up into his. Suddenly, he released her, raising up, jerking her jeans open and shoving them and her underwear down. She was caught off guard and before she understood what was happening, Shane'd already slid down her body.

"What're you-" He spread her legs wide and without warning, he knelt between them, his mouth closing over her, his tongue raking firmly up the length of her slit. "Shane, I don't, I-oh, mmm," she tried to fight this most peculiar act, but when he gently spread her with his fingers and began licking and suckling at her sex, she found she couldn't. She didn't want to. She only vaguely understood sex before him, and oral sex was almost completely out of her realm, save for a few bad jokes she only half-understood. But this, what he was doing, it rendered her speechless and scrambled her thoughts.

Shane'd wanted to try this since he realized she was sexually attracted to him. And especially since she'd grown comfortable making love with him. He knew how lame and cliche it was to want to blow the innocent little virgin's mind, but he did. He wanted to please her, to finally have someone of his own to be this intimate with. He pressed two fingers into her, continuing to lap at her swollen lips and clit, and he couldn't help but love it when he heard her fighting to stay quiet.

"Shane, please, I'm so close," she whimpered. She wanted him inside her when she came, wanted to wrap her arms around him and hold him to her when she did. But he didn't budge. Instead, he turned his fingers inside her, pressing them against the front wall inside her, and he closed his lips over her clit, suckling it rhythmically. She felt her control slip and her orgasm take over, the tension fading, her release growing in intensity, spreading throughout her abdomen, making her arch, her hands balling into little fists at her sides. She groaned, her mouth clenched shut, trying to muffle herself, the noise turning into a dull sob. He withdrew his fingers and rose up as much as the upper bunk would allow, taking his shirt off. He wiped his fingers and mouth discreetly, discarding the shirt to the floor; it'd been dirty anyway. He undid his pants, taking his painfully hard cock in his hand. He leaned down over her, teasing her tender opening by rubbing the tip against her swollen, sated sex. She looked up at him with drowsy, pleasure-heavy eyes.

"We ain't done yet, darlin'," he said. She wasn't sure she'd be able to come again so soon, but she didn't care. She wanted him inside her. She needed to be close to him, to know that the promises they made really meant something. He entered her slowly, pressing himself inside her. She reached down, her hands on his ass, pulling him against her until he was completely buried inside. He drew back, then slid forward, filling her again. "You're so pretty like this," he whispered. He moved slowly, nearly withdrawing from her, then surging back inside her completely. She wrapped herself around him, feeling her desire fuse with her emotional love for him as her aftershocks morphed back into throbs of desire. She pressed her forehead to his shoulder, hiding the tears welling in her eyes. What if I lose him?, she thought. She gripped him as he pumped in and out of her, bringing her to a second, less piercing orgasm. He came a few moments later, shuddering and quaking in her arms. She bit her lip, trying to keep from breaking down completely. "I love you, Dev," he sighed, moving to withdraw from her. But she gripped him tighter.

"No," she whimpered. He froze, hearing the emotion in her voice.

"Devin? You ok, honey?" he asked, trying to move to see her face. She tried to hide, but he cupped her face in his hands, turning her to him. "You're crying. What's wrong, did I hurt you?" She saw the concern in his eyes. She shook her head.

"I'm ok," she lied.

"Don't lie to me. You don't cry for no reason, what's wrong?" She bit her lip, tears completely blurring her vision.

"I'm scared," she said. "I don't want to lose you." He withdrew, shifting his pants back into place. She did the same with her clothes. He laid on his side, pulling her to his chest. She curled against him, trying not to sob.

"You ain't gonna lose me," he said.

"You can't say that," she said. "You don't know." Her voice trembled.

"I sure as hell hope I didn't find you just to lose you," he said.

"What would I do?" she sobbed quietly. He pulled her up to face him.

"It would hurt. I know it would. It would kill me to lose you too," he said. "But for me, you have to promise you'll try. We're all Judith's got. And if-"

"Stop, please, don't say it," she said, her eyes welling.

"I have to, and you have to hear it," he said, his brown eyes locking on her blues. "If anything happens to me, you have to try. I don't want to die worrying if you'll be ok. If Judith will be ok." Her lips trembled, tears streaming down her cheeks. "You made me promise to do this your way. You made me promise not to hurt Rick if things go bad. I need you to promise me." A beat of silence passed between them, and she realized she was saying her vows. They'd had better, richer, health. Now they had to face the worse, the poorer and the possibility of death parting them. She nodded. "You promise?" She took a deep breath and let it out.

"I promise."


	27. Chapter 27

_...I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut, my weakness is that I care too much..._

* * *

Shane and Glenn finished explaining to the group about Woodbury and the Governor. Shane'd taken Daryl aside before the meeting and told him about Merle's involvement. He didn't want the redneck losing his temper during the meeting, as they needed as many people to help arm and fortify the prison as possible. Shane had explained what Merle said, about the prison, about Devin. Daryl didn't fight. He seemed more embarrassed of his brother than anything.

"We need to start securing the fences and walls. And everyone needs to be armed from this point forward. We have no idea when they may be coming," Rick said.

"Why stay here at all? We know they're coming, we shouldn't be here to meet them at the gate when they do," Herschel said. "We have children here, Rick. Your children too."

"We're going to start stocking the cars with supplies," Shane said. "We're going to be ready for this and if it's necessary, we're going to run."

"Seems like quite a gamble," Herschel said. Shane's eyes told the older man he agreed with him, but he wouldn't go against what he'd agreed to.

* * *

When the meeting adjourned, Shane came to Rick.

"Rick, I need to talk to you," he said. Rick looked up at him, eyeing him carefully. He could see the nervousness in his best friend's whole demeanor.

"What do you need?" Rick asked.

"Can we maybe talk alone?" Rick looked even more suspicious of him, but he nodded, stepping into a vacant cell. "Look, Rick, I know I ain't your favorite person, but I have to ask you something. I've been meaning to do this for a while, but the opportunity kept slipping away." He pulled his 22 necklace from inside his t-shirt, spinning the chain until he was able to unfasten it. He slipped two rings from the chain, then refastened the necklace, dropping it back in the collar of his shirt. "I know how fucked up this may be, but, I kinda want to marry Devin. And I, uh, we want your blessing."

"You kinda want to marry Devin?" Rick asked, emphasizing the unsure wording Shane'd used.

"I do, I want to marry her," Shane corrected himself.

"And you're asking me for her hand? Shane, I'm not her father-"

"If your folks were still around, I'd ask them. But they ain't," he said. "Look, I know after everything, you probably hate me, but I love her, Rick. I love her more than anything." Rick leaned against the wall, not sure how to take this. Devin was his little sister, regardless of age, regardless of how much they'd grown apart.

"I'd assumed you already asked her, what with the ring she's already wearing," Rick said.

"I sort of did, but I wanted to ask you before we actually started, you know, being married."

"And if I'm not okay with this?" Shane looked defeated. He remembered what Devin'd said about already having made her decision. But he really wanted Rick's blessing. He wanted his friend back.

"Please, Rick, I love her. And she loves me. I don't know why, but it works. Please, don't make me walk onto that field when the Governor comes without having her as my wife." Tears welled in Shane's eyes.

"And what about my wife, Shane?" Shane looked to the floor, ashamed.

"I can't tell you how sorry I am for that," he said softly. "If I could take it back, I would. If I'd known you were alive, if I'd known Devin was coming and that I could love her so much, I would've left Lori alone. I swear it. I'm so sorry." His voice was strained over the last bit. Shane wiped his eyes, frustrated and hurting. It was silent for several minutes between the two men. Shane chanced a look up at Rick, only to see that he too was crying. "I'm not asking you to forgive me. I could never ask that."

"You really love her?" Rick asked. Shane nodded, swallowing hard.

"More than anything," he answered. Rick nodded, looking down, fighting more tears.

"Alright," he said, making himself look up at Shane. "Okay." Shane looked at him with wide eyes.

"Yeah?" Rick nodded, wiping his own tears.

"Yeah." Shane walked over to him and without really thinking about what he was doing, he pulled him into a hug. Rick didn't shove him away.

"Thank you," Shane said, embracing the slightly smaller man, tears streaming down both of their faces.

* * *

Devin sat with Judith in their cell, packing their things into the bags they'd had on them when they arrive. She'd been helping get the cars equipped with supplies, making sure gas tanks were full and tires were filled. There were a few cars, a couple of SUVs, and a couple of vans. Devin focused on getting one of the vans baby-ready, with a car seat and baby necessities as well as the essentials for her. She felt afraid, but focusing on the task at hand helped her keep her anxiety at bay.

Someone knocked at the door frame and Devin turned. Not Shane, not Rick or Carl. It was Maggie.

"Hey," Maggie said. "Can I talk to you?" Devin nodded. Maggie was only a few months older than her, but she always made Devin feel infinitely younger. They sat on the bunk together. "I needed to tell you something, because I still feel to weird about it to tell Shane myself." Devin nodded again, not sure what to say. "Glenn, he did what he could, but Shane was the reason we got out together alive. Did he tell you about what happened, what they did to us?"

"Kind of, I think it scared him too much to tell me everything in detail," Devin said.

"Merle beat the hell out of Glenn. Tied him to a chair and put a walker in the room with him. And the Governor, he tried to intimidate me. I thought for a second he might," she trailed off. But Devin understood. "Merle tied Shane up in a chair, but I think he was too afraid to really try to beat him. I think all he did was talk to Shane. You could tell by the horror in his eyes, Merle planted some awful things in his head." Tears welled in Maggie's eyes and Devin reached for her hand. "And when he saw what they did to Glenn, what they almost did to me, all he could think of was getting back to you and the baby. He took quite a few blows, risked his damn life getting us out of there. And I know it was mostly for you, to get back to you, but he never let us out of his sight." Devin's eyes welled. It was still a vague telling, but she hadn't heard it from another perspective. She didn't know that Shane was the hero. He'd made it sound like he was scared out of his mind and they'd barely made it out alive. "He's a good man and you need to know it. So does he. I don't think he believes it, but I'll never forget what he did back there."

"Thank you for telling me, Maggie," Devin said. "I'm so sorry for what happened there, to all of you." Maggie hugged the slightly smaller, slightly younger woman.


	28. Chapter 28

_...and my scars remind me that the past is real..._

* * *

Shortly after Maggie left, Shane and Rick made their way up to Shane and Devin's cell. She was surprised to see both men come into the cell together.

"Hey Dev," Shane said.

"What's going on?" She asked, looking back and forth between them, noting that neither man looked upset or angry at the other.

"Remember, before we came here, when I said I wanted to ask Rick for his blessing to be with you?" She nodded, looking warily between the two men. "Well, I did." He opened his hand, revealing two identical (except for in size) silver-toned rings. Her eyes widened. She looked back at Rick lingering by the door, and saw the tears in his eyes, but also the smile on his face. He nodded.

"I give my blessing," Rick said. She looked back up at Shane, tears welling in her own eyes.

"You still wanna marry me?" He smiled, meaning it as a joke, but she heard the seriousness behind the humor. She nodded, taking off her engagement ring. He slipped the band on her finger, and she pushed the matching band on his. She then put the engagement ring back on behind the band. Devin threw her arms around her lover, trying and failing not to cry. Seeing her happy, seeing both of them make each other happy healed something in Rick. Suddenly, he couldn't hate Shane anymore. It would be a long time, maybe never, before he would be able to completely forgive him. But watching Devin bloom from an anxious, standoffish young girl to the woman before them, seeing how happy Shane made her, it turned the gaping wound inside him into a fully-healed scar. Devin let go of Shane and came to Rick, wrapping her arms around her brother.

"I love you, Devin," Rick said, turning his head to kiss her forehead. "I'm so sorry." She nodded, pulling back from him.

"Thank you," she said, her voice rough with her tears. He held his sister, and Shane saw who they were blend with whom they'd become. Though the love he held for each of them was vastly different, he realized at that moment that he wasn't sure who he loved more.

* * *

When the first gunshots rang out, Devin gathered Judith in her arms, throwing the last bag of their belongings over her shoulder.

"Carl!" she cried out as she made her way down the stairs. Shane and Rick were already outside, on the prison yard. The people who'd agreed to fight, should it become necessary, grabbed their guns and ran for the yard. Carl emerged from his and Rick's cell. Devin grabbed for the boy's hand, though he was nearly her size and much too old to need it. He still let her do it. Rick'd made him promise to go with Devin if this happened. "Come on, we gotta go," she said. He took the bag from her, putting it over his own shoulder so she only had to carry Judith. They ran out of the back of the prison and for the small line of waiting cars. Gunfire, some small handguns and rifles, some much larger guns, rang out from the other side of the prison. But Devin didn't cry or hesitate. She stuck to her promise, getting Carl and Judith out of the prison and into the waiting van.

She strapped Judith into her car seat as Carl climbed into the seat next to the baby. She then got behind the wheel and they took off to the place where she was to sit and wait. But only for either an hour, or until she saw a vehicle or group that wasn't the prison's.

After about twenty minutes, a lot of the gunfire died down. Carl could see her gripping the steering wheel, her knuckles white from how hard she was holding it.

"They're going to be okay, Aunt Devin," Carl said. She looked over her shoulder at him, realizing that he'd been watching her.

"I hope so," she said, trying to keep her voice steady.  _How did Lori do this?_ , she wondered. She thought of what it must've been like when Lori, Shane and Carl left for Atlanta.  _At least Shane and Lori had each other_ , she thought,  _and they only had Carl. Jesus, what if it ends up being just me and these two kids._  She hadn't really thought about what she might have to do if Rick and/or Shane never came. Her heart raced and she felt an anxiety attack descending.

"They will," Carl said, closer now. He put his hand on her shoulder. The affection in his reassuring gesture made tears well in her eyes. "They both know how to survive."

"I know," she said, putting her hand over his on her shoulder.  _You can't be scared_ , she thought.  _He needs you, Judith needs you_. "I know they do." The boy climbed up into the front passenger seat next to her.

"It's okay if you're scared," he said. She shook her head.

"I have to be brave," she said, looking over at him. "For you and for your sister."

"You are brave," he said. "Dad said, he thought this world wouldn't be good for you, but it is. He says you've really risen to the way it is now and," he hesitated.

"What?"

"He says that, if it had to be just us, you and me and Judith, we'd be just fine." She felt her emotions surge.  _My heart would be broken_ , she thought.  _But maybe he's right. Maybe._

"Thank you, Carl."


	29. Epilogue

_...I tear my heart open just to feel..._

* * *

Devin pushed it to an hour and five minutes. Then ten. Then fifteen. Carl didn't want to push her, but he knew that the longer they went, the more likelihood of either both Shane and his father being dead, or them being attacked. He decided that he'd let them sit to an hour and a half before he'd start to push her to leave.

Tears welled in her eyes, her heart pounding so hard it made her head ache.  _Please_ , she thought. Just one word, over and over.  _Please, please, please_. She knew that the longer they sat there, the more at risk she put her, Carl and Judith in. But something inside her kept telling her to wait just a little bit longer.  _Please._

The minutes ticked by, at once painfully slow and all too quick.

"Aunt Devin-"

"I know," she said, her voice rough with emotion. She started the van, trying to stop herself from falling apart.  _At least I got to say goodbye_ , she thought. She went to pull out onto the road.

"Wait!" Carl shouted. She slammed the breaks, looking back at Judith. She was fine, but the hard jerk made her fuss. "Look!" Carl pointed at the road, leading back to the prison.

In the distance, two men shuffled slowly toward them, one leaning heavily on the other. Devin wiped her eyes, seeing them.

"It's them!" Carl said, launching himself out of the car.

"Wait, Carl!" Devin shut off the engine and shut her door, running after the boy. What if they're hurt?, she thought. What if they're walkers or close to being walkers?

They drew closer and Devin saw that both men were alive, both covered in blood and sweat, Rick much worse for the wear.

"Dev, get the van, he's hurt," Shane called to her. She turned around, running back to the van. She got in and drove up to them. Shane and Carl helped Rick into the back seat, laying him down. Carl climbed in next to Judith, Shane getting in the passenger seat next to Devin.

"Is he bit?" she asked, shaking from so much adrenaline.

"No, Governor beat the hell out of him," Shane said.

"Are you ok?" she asked, her voice trembling. He reached over for her hand, nodding. He could see the toll that waiting out here'd taken on her.

"Let's get out of here." And with that, the five of them drove away from the prison.

* * *

**Thank you to everyone who read and reviewed this story! I'm glad you all enjoyed this and indulged my need to make a better world for Shane, at least here in fan fiction world. I love you all! - HRH**


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